Safe?

Chapter 35

“What the fuck, Sis?!” Ben exclaimed as we were reaching our lockers. He stopped, put his hands on my shoulders and studied me intently. “Tell me you didn’t really mean that?” There was a glint of hope in his eyes when he added, “That you said that only to get me to back off…”

He started to panic when I didn’t answer.

“Have you told your counselor how bad you felt?” He whispered.

I shook my head.

“You’re not going to do anything bad, are you?!” His eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

“Don’t be ridiculous, I would never give up on you… Not willingly anyway…” He visibly shuddered at my words.

“Fuck, Lil!” He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me tightly.

“Everything ok?” Giant asked.

Ben ushered him away and dragged me outside.

 “Why didn’t you tell me?!” His sadness broke me a little more.

“Because you deserve to be happy again…” I muttered. “I didn’t want to cause you the pain I see in your eyes right now…” I added. “Because to see you laugh along with the boys makes me feel a bit better…”

“Lil… I can’t laugh knowing you’re feeling so down…” He whispered. “What could I do to help you feel better?” He asked. “Would you like to do something together this weekend, just the two of us?” His voice broke as he pronounced the three last words.

We had never said “The two of us”… It had always been “the three of us”…

“Have you checked your emails?” I asked.

“I tried but they’ve closed both our old accounts…” He sighed. “I’ve emailed him from my new email address last night…”

I squeezed his hand.

“Why don’t you talk to him?” He asked after a while.

“Who?”

“Luke…” He answered.

“Ben…” I sighed.

“Lil, you obviously miss him like hell, do something about it…” He said.

“He’s hurt me too much, I can’t…” I had looked at the situation from every possible angles and I always came up with the same conclusion.

“Maybe but it seems to me that you’re hurting more by forcing yourself to stay away from him, than you would, if you gave the two of you another chance…” He said softly.

I knew he was right but I was still not ready to take that step.

Besides, I had to consider the whole picture. Luke had a son. A son, whose mother hated me.

He came with a full package that he seemed to have some serious trouble dealing with himself, so I didn’t see how my added presence would improve things for him.

But why didn’t my heart and my brain give up the way they had with Giant?

Had they really, though?

I obviously couldn’t compare what I felt for Luke with the crazy attraction that still drew me to the tall boy, but why did I spend my nights dreaming about what Luke and I could be, imagining his hands against my skin or how his lips would feel on mine?

Well, to be honest, my dreams focused on Luke but hadn’t integrated Alison and their son.

But still…