Nerd?

Chapter 1

I sucked in a sharp breath as pain shot through my body like a shook from an electric fence, but I welcomed it as I pressed the blade more into my skin causing a slow trickle of blood to ease its way around the blade and down my arm to end on the white tiled floor were it gathered in a small puddle. I applied more weight to the blade before sliding it further along my wrist making the cut longer.
I relaxed my jaw slightly as I pushed my back against the tiled wall, feeling the addictive pain flow through my veins. Hands shaking I grabbed the cloth and mopped up my blood from my wrist and the trail to the floor, before I stood up from my cross legged position on the floor and threw it into the washing basket.

What would happen if I was to cut all the way through the vain? What would it feel like to just be sitting here waiting for all the blood in my body to drain out from me? To feel it collect around me in massive puddles as my life slowly drained with it? What would everyone's reactions be? Grateful?... Relieved?

I stood up, shaking all the thoughts from my head. Two more years. Two more years until I can move away and attend university. I just have to survive until then.
I grab a new cloth from under the sink dampen it under the tap before wrapping it around my still bleeding cut.

With the cloth on the cut I rinse off the blade I used sticking it back into its black heart-shaped box before putting it in the mirror cabinet.

Taking the cloth off my wrist I chuck it into the Landry basket and open the door to my room.
I'm Immediately slapped in the face by a wave of loud voices locked in yet another argument. I grab my phone from my bed and pop my earphones in, blasting twenty one pilots in my ears to drowned out the arguing of my mother and step father.

It was 10:00pm on a Sunday night, and I wasn't looking forward to school tomorrow. In fact just thinking about school was bring up so much anxiety. I couldn't keep my hands still, they just kept shaking.

Deep breaths don't help, fuck my therapist. I could only afford one hour anyway.

I dress into my pjs, a long black sleeved t-shirt and red shorts. A small mirror to the side of my room shows my refelection and I cringe away. I'm sure I have nice round boobs and butt, complemented with a flat stomach topped with skinny legs and small arms. But all of that is hidden under my overwhelming layers of fat right now. Yes I'm fat. It's not that I'm lazy, I work out. It just doesn't want to leave me, no matter how hard the workout is.

I climbed into bed and lay there, waiting to drift off into the dark oblivion's of sleep, but the wave doesn't come. Im stuck in reality, like floating above water trying to get glimpses of what's underneath the surface along with my wondering hurtful thoughts, almost as powerful as razors themselves.

After an hour my eye lids grow heavy and I finally catch the wave that pulls me under, only to find that the ocean floor is empty.

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Beep,
beep,
beep.

I fling my arm to the direction of the alarm, hopping to hit the snooze button, but miss. After a minute of smashing around I finally hit it and collapse back into the heavenly softness of my pillow, pulling the blankets up so they cover my face from the incoming missiles of sun that were blowing up in my face, I attempt sleep.
But I'm awake and can't seem to fall back to sleep. Dam.

It's Monday yay and I have school yay.
I'm really not looking forward for school. It means the weekend is over and it's back to reality. I have to leave my fortress of solitude and attempt to invade enemy territory unnoticed. But being a fat girl in a crowed of skinny pretty ones it isn't so easy to go unnoticed.