It's Monday now and nothing's changed after Saturday night. Joe's still not talking to me, as per usual, Summer hangs out with me for some classes and with Joe for others. He seems the same, unfazed by that night. Maybe it's not that big of a deal, friends do stuff like that all the time. But that's the thing, Joe and I aren't friends, and I still don't entirely know why.
It's lunch now and I'm sitting at my usual table with Josh, Oli, Emma and Casey. I know I should tell Josh about that night but I can't find a way to do it. I usually tell Josh everything, but for some reason I just don't want to share this with him.
"Caspar. Are you sure you're alright?" Emma asks, I guess I zoned out again. I nod, muttering a yeah and Emma gives me a look before going back to talking to Casey about her crush on Dylan. Josh squeezes my wrist under the table, knowing something is up but not asking about it.
The rest of the day goes by too slowly and Summer drives us to my house after school, as we sit in comfortable silence. Usually I'd be blasting the radio, shouting and dancing with my window rolled down, but I'm just not in the mood today.
"Caspar. I can tell something's up, could you please just tell me?" She asks after about 5 minutes and I just shake my head no.
"Come on it'll help, please Cas," I suddenly felt lonely as she used Joe's name for me.
"No." I firmly spoke, startling her and we go back into silence.
"I'm sorry, I actually can't but I would if I could. Promise," I apologized and she nods, smiling at me before looking back at the road.
When we get home we go quickly to my room, not wanting to chat with my mum. I feel sick, I want to tell summer what happened so bad but I can't.
I'm also having a battle with myself. One part of me thinks that this is the worst thing to ever happen and Joe has a girlfriend and Caspar is like best friends with that girl.
And the other part thinks that this I'm overthinking this. We just cuddled, so what. And maybe I kissed his neck but we were drunk it didn't mean anything.
—
By Friday, I was exhausted. School tires me out, and Summer is busy today, so I'm kind of glad that I just get to relax. At least I think I do.
At 3am I get a call from summer, waking me up and I answer reluctantly.
"Hey!" She greets into the phone, I can hear other people and music but it doesn't sound like she's at a party.
"What's up?"
"I kinda need a favour. A big one." I woke up fully at that, and part of me already knew. Something to do with Joe and his Friday night drinking. Fuck.
"Yeah, what is it?" I try to sound happy and willing to do the favour.
"Well, Joe needs someone to pick him up. And I'm busy at the moment, could you possibly get him? Pretty please?" She begs. I groan into the phone.
"Fine. Where is he?" I rub my eyes, getting out of bed and putting some clothes on.
"I'll text you the address. Thank you so much Caspar, I love you!" I mumble a 'no problem' in response before hanging up.
My phone dings and I look at it to see that Summer texted me the address. I groan loudly when I realize that it's some house across town.
I sneak out the back door, to not wake up my mom and get into my car. On the drive there, about 30 minutes, I blast music to give myself something to do. When I finally get there and park, I get out, not knowing how I'm gonna find Joe. This is some huge house party, he could be anywhere.
Just as I'm walking up to the door, I see him, slouching on a bench in the front yard.
"Joe." I walk over to him. He's like half asleep, but he can hear me and respond.
"Caspar? Why are you here?" He questions, sitting up properly.
"Summer didn't tell you? I'm picking you up. She's busy."
"Oh." He mumbles but doesn't move.
"Get off your ass." He glares at me and stands up on wobbly legs, almost falling then grabbing onto me for support. Then he starts giggling, mumbling random things to himself. Finally, I drag him to my car and shove him in the passenger seat.
After 5 silent minutes of driving, Joe's hand comes up to my neck, strangely caressing it and touching my collarbone with his index finger.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I ask but he just hums and traces his finger across my jawline. His hand moves onto my head, his fingers playing with my hair before he moves to my face, cupping my cheek.
"Joe stop. I'm driving."
Then he slowly moves his finger to my lips, going across the bottom one.
"Such pretty lips." He whispers. I'm too confused to know what to do, but eventually his hand slips away, and he rests it on my knee.
"What am I gonna do with you?" I ask to no one in particular. I glance at Joe to see him focusing on his hand. I wonder why until his hand starts to slide up my thigh, before moving to my inner thigh, rubbing it. I jolt as he does this, almost crashing the car.
"Joe!" I yell at him, I have to get him to stop before I, bring the horny teen I am, get hard.
"Joe. Stop." As much as I kind of don't want him to stop, I have to take his hand away, but he puts it back. After wrestling with his hand for a bit while driving, I end up holding his hand. It's the only way he won't put in on my thigh again. I pass it off as Joe being drunk and possibly mistaking me for summer, and finish the drive home. I walk him, well, carry him, up to his front steps and open the door, slipping inside. I walk with him/carry him up to his room and turn around, ready to leave.
"Please stay." Joe holds my hand, giving me the most pleading look I've ever seen.
"I can't, Joe."
"Please Cas?" Him calling me that name has me crawling back to him, just like old times, following him around like a lost puppy.
"Fine." I hate myself for giving in, knowing I shouldn't, but it's about time I do something that I want to. Joe smiles, hugging me and then crawling into bed.
I get in beside him, keeping distance. He turns over to face me, and the smell of alcohol from his breath invades my nose.
"Promise you won't tell Summer?" He whispers, looking me in the eyes.
"Tell her what? She knows about me picking you up, she asked me to."
"Just promise, Cas."
"Okay, I promise." I'm confused, but I say it without thinking. He smiles then slowly, he leans in and closes his eyes, pressing his lips to mine. I tense up in shock, freaking out momentarily. But then I notice that it feels good and right, and my eyes slide shut as I hesitantly kiss back, not thinking about anything, except Joe's lips on mine and his hands in my hair and how my hands easily fit on his hips and how our chests are touching.
The kiss only lasts until Joe licks my bottom lip, asking for entrance and I realize what's going on. I try to ignore the feelings inside and get him to stop kissing me.
"Mmh. Stop." I whisper against his lips pushing his shoulders gently away from me.
Everything comes back to me as I notice where we are, what was happening and how that definitely should not have happened. I curse under my breath and look at the brunette who was kissing me moments ago. Joe has a look of regret on his face.
"Hold me? Please Caspar," he asks, pleading with that face again. I give in again and wrap my arm around his waist, too close for what we are. Joe fell asleep quickly, face buried in my chest. But I barely get any sleep. I couldn't sleep when all I can think about was how terrible this is. I'm such a bad person, befriending summer and then making out with her boyfriend. Oh god, I hate myself.
