I can't stop thinking about it. All of it. Joe's lips on mine, our bodies pressed together, the feeling of finally being happy, and the feeling of betraying one of my closest friends.
"Caspar? Are you okay? You seem kind of... distant," Josh asks quietly.
"Fine. M' fine."
This was how most of his week went. People asking me if I'm ok and how I'm feeling, and me saying that I'm fine.
I hate myself for doing it, kissing Joe and staying with him overnight, but I know that deep down, I just want to do it again. And that's what scares me the most. The fact that when I was young people used to make fun of me and Joe and say that I liked him, and I used to cry about it and deny it but now, those people just might've been right.
—-
When Friday rolls around, Summer asks me a question in first period that I doesn't know how to answer.
"Oh, forgot to ask, how did that night go with Joe? Sorry again for making you do that."
I think of what to say and nervously stutter, "uhh, it's fine. That's what friends are for. And yeah, uh, it went fine." It sounds stupid but she buys it.
"Listen. You don't... dislike him or anything do you?" Summer asks quieter, looking at Joe but talking to me.
"No! I mean, of course, I don't dislike him," haha, me hating Joe. I have much worse problems than me hating Joe, including the fact that I might like Joe a little too much.
She doesn't say anything after that and when it's lunch, we start to walk to the cafeteria but she stops me.
"Do you wanna go out for lunch today? With me?" The question surprises me because we don't usually eat together and we basically never go out for lunch.
"Sure," I answer without thinking much about it, it's just one lunch.
We go out to her car, meeting up with that popular brunette somewhere along the way which doesn't surprise me, considering he's her boyfriend.
"Hey Caspar," the brunette greets.
"Hey." The rest of the ride to the cafe is silent, except for the radio and Joe's beautiful voice humming along to it.
We got to the cafe and ordered, I just got a hot chocolate because I'm not that hungry. Summer and Joe joke and laugh with each other but I keep zoning out, not able to concentrate.
After a while, Joe gets up to use the washroom and I figure it's a good time to talk to him so I quickly let Summer know before heading to the bathroom.
When I open the door, Joe is just texting on his phone and doesn't look up.
"Joe." As soon as he hears my voice, he looks up and puts his phone away.
"Caspar." For some reason, I got a bit sad when he didn't call me Cas, the nickname only he has ever called me.
"Do you... remember Friday night?" I falter a bit, not knowing how to ask if he remembers our kiss.
"I remember some things, yes. Is there something, in particular, you're referring to?" He asks dumbly, I can tell he wants to annoy me.
"Do you remember what happened... between us?" I awkwardly manage.
"I remember you kissing me if that's what you're asking," wait, what?! "And no, I won't tell Summer." This boy is crazy.
"What?! You kissed me! You told me not to tell Summer and then you kissed me! And I stopped you!" I yell while backing him into the wall, our chests almost touching.
"See, that's not how I remember it," he smirks slightly, looking up at me, his back against the tile.
"Well, you were drunk, as always! So how could you remember it properly?" I fire back. His smirk falters a bit after my remark but it comes back quickly.
"I don't see why I would kiss you though, seeing as I'm not the gay one here." Him saying that makes me furious.
"Why does it matter that I'm gay?! I wouldn't kiss you because your girlfriend is my best friend and I don't like you! It was you who kissed me, and I think you should check your last statement because the way you made out with me makes you seem pretty gay." I ramble, not being able to keep eye contact with him, I look back and forth from his eyes to the wall behind him. After I yelled all that at him, I've kind of calmed down, but I'm still angry. He seemed a bit hurt at my comments, but he hid his emotions well.
"Oh, Cas. Don't you get it? It doesn't matter who kissed who. The thing is that you kissed me back, and I think you wouldn't mind doing it again." He looks down to my mouth and he licks his lips, catching the bottom one between his teeth and looking back up at me. He wants me to kiss him? Or is he just playing with my feelings? It's hard to tell, all I know his that he looks really fucking hot biting his lip and looking up at me.
"I can't tell if you're serious or not," I whisper, our bodies so close that there is no need to speak any louder.
"I'm serious, Cas," Joe whispers in my ear, grabbing my shirt and pulling me so our bodies collide. I sigh at the contact.
"Fuck. Okay." I lean in and our lips touch, our eyes sliding shut. Joe's hands go around my neck as my hands find his waist. Our lips move together in sync, then he bites my lip, making me gasp and as I do, he slips his tongue into my mouth, finding mine. It becomes heated quickly and I know it's too much when my hands slide down to his hips and he grinds against me and we both moan and then I squeeze his butt. It's all too much.
"Why'd you stop?" He asks, confused when I pull away.
"I can't. We can't, Joe. Summer is so nice to me, and she loves you, and you love her. I can't get in the way of that." I lean my head on Joe's shoulder, defeated and feeling horrible.
"Fine." Joe pushes me off and takes a minute to wipe his mouth and readjust his jeans before he walks out of the bathroom. I just stand there, stunned. I expected him to try harder but I guess it's for the best that he's rude to me again. I follow him out of the toilets, wondering how long it's been.
"It's been like 10 minutes! What were you guys doing? I was so lonely!" Summer whines, answering my question. I look worriedly at Joe but he's just staring, annoyed, at the table in front of him.
"Sorry, my dad called, which was unusual. And Joe was texting, probably with Marcus or someone." Joe sighs and closes his eyes when I make up an excuse for him, I don't know why, because I saved both of our asses there.
Eventually, we all get up to go back to the car. Summer leads, unlocking the car and getting in, so I lightly shove Joe with my shoulder.
"What?" He snaps, clearly annoyed.
"You're welcome for saving you back there." I say back, almost as rudely.
"Yeah, thanks, now Summer is gonna go on my phone and find who I was texting! She'll read all my messages."
"But it's not like you have anything to..." my mind goes back to that Saturday night when Joe was sending pictures to some girl. "Oh shit. Just delete all of the conversations." I try to help.
"But then I lose the pictures! I can't save them on my phone because Summer looks at my photos!" I get confused after that.
"Why do you need them? You have a hot girlfriend, and aren't all girls' bodies the same anyway?" I question, we're almost at the car, meaning we won't be able to finish this conversation.
"Who said it was a girl?" He whispers, not even smirking, and he gets into the front beside Summer and I slowly get into the back of the car, I can't stop thinking about what Joe said before. He was texting a guy? Is he actually gay? Then why is he dating Summer?
