They Weren't Kidding

Chapter 11

Going into that relationship with Ashley feeling uncertain should have been a major warning as to how the relationship itself would work out. From the moment she said yes to dating me, I was filled to the brim with worry and uneasiness. I should have guessed that the rest of the relationship would play out the same way. And it did, I just didn't want to think that it would.

About a month after we had gotten together, we had only seen each other a few times, twice at most. When I would see her, I felt a pang of guilt wash over me. I was thinking about her and about us when she and I weren't together, though not in the way most couples do. Throughout the weeks at school, I would contemplate and overthink whether or not Ashley and I should have been together. I would think about all the things that could go wrong. I would conceive the idea that it would all crash and burn. And, most reoccurring, I would think about breaking up with her.

Sometimes, when she would notice my silence, Ryan would ask what I was thinking about. I was hesitant to tell her as I would get this feeling of...betrayal is the best way to put it. I felt like I was hurting her. I couldn't understand why I'd feel this way, but I would most often put to the fact that I was still in love with her. Upon being asked what I was thinking about, after the hesitation that would always come, I reluctantly divulged my thoughts on the relationship I was in at the current time.

"Well, I don't know...I'm thinking about breaking up with Ashley," I said to Ryan one time as we sat down at lunch.

"Really? Why?" I couldn't deny the hint of excitement that laid within the tone of her voice. It struck me as odd that Ryan would be happy that I didn't want to be with someone.

"Well, I just am so nervous that we're gonna get caught and I'm not like in love with her. I can't be. I'm physically incapable of it. I don't know. It just doesn't feel right," I responded, not letting on that I could tell her joy in my statement prior.

Things went on like this until the end of the month when I finally got the balls to end things with Ashley. Although, I still wasn't too ballsy with it, as I did it through a stupid letter that I had asked her to burn once she was done reading it. That night, I received a text from her claiming that she felt similar to what I was feeling, but still wanted to be friends. I readily agreed as I had no desire to lose her as a companion of mine.

Despite the well ending, things felt slightly awkward between her and me for the few weeks afterward. She would often brag to people, with me standing right there, about the guys and chicks she was dating at the time. I didn't really care, though. I thought she was merely happy to go on dates. It went right over my head that she was flaunting a feigned happiness in front of me. Though, I had thought that was what she was attempting to accomplish with that. I didn't want to feel as though I was so great that she felt the need to do that, however.

I went on for a while, being more content with being single than I was when being with her. I didn't have to pretend not to be heart broken, because I wasn't. I'm aromantic. I knew I couldn't fall in love, or at least I thought I couldn't, yet I tried to make a relationship work anyway. Well, a relationship with the wrong person, I should say. I hadn't seen Ashley for a good majority of two months after breaking up with her. She blamed it on her mother getting ready to give birth to another kid which was a completely reasonable and truthful excuse. I don't know if it was just a cover up to not feel awkward being around me or if it was solely due to her wanting to be around to help her mother out with a new baby.

During those two months, the relationship Ryan and I had seemed to become closer. I still can't explain exactly how or why. I can only offer you the facts. We were becoming a lot closer, and she seemed to become happier to see me with each passing day. You already know I was more than happy to see her every day, but the reciprocal of that was coming about and I cannot describe the joy I felt with it.