They Weren't Kidding

Chapter 10

Often times when I think back on this time, it's not with fondness. Quite frankly, it would be the one thing I would change had I the opportunity to go back fix an event in my life. Well, I would change quite a few things, but this would definitely be at the top of my list. It only lasted a month, but with the regret I have for this time, one would think it were a year.

After Ryan had broken things off with Mordy, she came to me and told me that she was beginning to think that she, too, was asexual aromantic. I was really excited to find someone else in real life who was similar to me in this aspect. I hadn't met anyone else outside the internet that was asexual or aromantic. Though, with that excitement also came disappointment. I thought that this meant I had no chance with Ryan whatsoever.

I was a unique case. Asexual aromantics don't tend to fall into romantic love with anyone. They do more platonic love. (Which should be viewed alongside romantic love. It hurts just as much to be "broken up with" or left in a platonic relationship as a romantic love.) I was the only aromantic at the time to have fallen in romantic love with anyone. Or, the only one that I had heard of. I had no hope of ever being in a relationship with Ryan that was any closer than best friends.

A month after I was given this information, I attempted to push my feelings for Ryan onto a different girl. I figured if I tried hard enough, she could take the place of the one person that I wanted to be with. Little did I know that that doesn't really work and ended up with more hurt feelings than was necessary.

It was a Friday night and I was at a gathering that everyone who went deemed "youth group" as it was all youth kids, with all the regular attendees. We were watching a movie that night after playing a few of the standard ice-breaker games we would play every week in case of new visitors. After the games were done, everyone dispersed out into the surrounding chairs that were set up. There were quite a lot of chairs and not all that many people to sit in them.

I had taken a seat next to Ashley who was seated next to one of the other kids was in the group at the time. The lights around us dimmed as the movie began to play. It was some boring documentary on a topic I can't even remember now. Of course, I didn't pay too much attention to it. Ashley, the other girl, and I were too busy talking about topics completely unrelated to the movie. None of the people there were horribly interested in the movie. Well, all but one weren't. The rest of us had our different side conversations that would cease whenever the adults would walk by us. I mean, we wouldn't get in trouble if we were caught talking, but we were lectured about paying attention.

About midway through the movie, Ashley had draped her arm over my shoulders. I looked at her as if to silently ask what she was doing. She didn't look at me, though. Her gaze was locked on the screen at that moment. I stared at her while she was set on looking at the screen and really began to take in how she looked. I began to think to myself how really pretty her features were. In the next moment, I began to question whether or not I liked her. I wasn't exactly sure at the time.

I excused myself to the washroom. As I was walking back to the washroom, I sent Ryan a message.

"Hey, quick question. How do you know if you like someone?" I hit the send button as I closed the door and walked to the sink.

Ryan's response came in quickly, "Why do you want to know?" I've always hated it when people respond to my questions with questions of their own. Although, I don't have room to talk as I do the same thing. Though, sometimes I get impatient and want the answer.

"Just answer the question, please," I wrote in reply, genuinely curious as to the answer.

I was left waiting for a few minutes. I took that time to walk back to my seat and sit back down. Ashley had immediately draped her arm over my shoulders once again. Soon after, I got the response.