Beloved Nothingness

L02 // spoiled milk

January 12, 1974

Bella,

I'm writing this quickly, but I want you to keep it, okay? I wish I would've kept the letters from my mom, the few she managed to write me. Even if you're angry, don't throw them out. Someday you'll be old, older than me, and you might want to remember what your mom had to say to you.

I'm leaving you, baby girl. I'm sorry about it, but you'll thank me someday, I promise. You're such a good girl and Jairus is such a good man that you won't struggle to find someone to take care of you both. He doesn't know this yet, but I'm going to ask him to keep you after I say your goodbyes. It can be our secret, for this little while.

You know, I never walked well after I had you. You just have this melon head and it actually cracked my pelvis. It's not your fault, I'm the one who made the melon head, I guess. And I should've went to the hospital when I had you, but it just didn't happen. I sort of forgot about it until I was coming down the stairs just now, ready to leave you.

This paragraph is mostly for me, so bear with me, baby. Tonight you wanted to read that book about the bear four times, the bear that was a butler for a rich family in England with too many kids. You like his bow tie, and when Jai will read the bear lines in a gravelly voice for you, or uses a snooty accent for the dad. I can't do the voices like he can, but it was important to me to put you to bed myself tonight. I never let you read that book more than once so I can go work for the night, but tonight we read it three times. We took a bath together, and I used your strawberry shampoo so I could smell like you. I even snuggled you for a while, right on the floor. I know how much you love to be touched but it just hurts, most of the time. Do you understand that? But last night, I held you for a while. It was selfish, giving you what you always wanted one last time before going. I put you in the green footie pajamas that Aunt Lena gave you for your birthday, combed your hair one last time since Jai never does it right, and put you down.

Aunt Lena always told me that there's always a time where you put your child down, and just never pick them back up again. Usually, it's because they grow too big to carry, they want to walk on their own, they want to be independent little people that don't need their mom. I think you would be carried by me until you turned thirty if I would let you.

But that's not the case for us, lady. I am putting you down and never picking you back up again, tucking you into your big girl bed but I won't be the one to wake you up in the morning. Does that make you sad? Will you even remember? I know Aunt Lena was just trying to make me hold onto you while you're a baby, to appreciate you while you're my little girl. You will always be my baby, Annabel.

I know I'm not a good mommy. They never are, the girls who manage to get pregnant. Even the girls who have a Jai, who love them anyway. Even the girls who live with a nice family. I don't care if it's by accident or not, girls like me and their babies always turn out badly. I don't think that bad is the right word, maybe sour. Spoiled. But not spoiled like a little girl with too many frothy dresses and a new pair of shoes for each day of the month, or a glass of milk that was set out for too long. I'll never have the money to spoil you like that, and we were never good enough to go bad.

You'll be okay with Jai. He's smart, he's responsible, he's so much better than me. You won't keep him from accomplishing anything. He wants to be a doctor, so that means that you'll have to be patient with him as he won't have a lot of time. But what he does have, he will give to you. Because he is good, and because you deserve it.

Please take care of him, Bella. For me. He's allergic to penicillin, he likes a little honey in his tea, he's really good on the piano even though he'll lie about taking lessons. He likes his pillows to be cold, but a good way to treat him is tossing his towel in the dryer for a few minutes while he's in the shower. He can't sleep without white noise, and he arranges his closet by season. If you ever put away his laundry, make sure to do that for him. Sometimes he forgets to eat, baby. When he gets like that, just steam some vegetables and make a little bit of chicken. Nothing fried or heavy or cheesy, just vegetables and chicken. It goes down better. You can use lemon, but he hates lemon in his water at restaurants.

I know these are a lot of instructions for one little girl. But you won't be little for long. You'll be a woman, one who is more capable of anything than I ever will be.

I don't even have instructions for Jai on how to care for you. He already does it. But baby, you are so good. Focus on being kind, being understanding, offering anything that you can to other people. You never know who you might save.

This isn't your fault, sweetheart. Your mom was sick long before you came along. You couldn't have done anything differently. But it's good that I'm taking care of this when you're young enough to not notice. I'm just trying to be nice, honey. Maybe I'll tell Jai more in his letter and you can read that one when you're older. Just remember that it isn't your fault, and make sure that Jai knows it isn't his fault either.

Be good, sweet baby.

Love,

Anissa