Illicit (phan)

8 - Present

**a/n - super super long chapter (literally double the length of my other ones) so can we please get this to 100 votes? also unedited so please point out typos xx**

"Everything I ever did was to protect you."

The words echoed again and again in my mind as I stared at Phil with wide eyes. No doubt Phil wasn't going to explain himself either. He never did.

Instead, he silently got dressed and I followed suit, my mind swimming as I tried to comprehend what the hell Phil was talking about.

"For me?" I finally managed.

Phil tongued his lip ring and grabbed my phone. "Yeah, that's what I said. Wanna order pizza or Chinese?"

Honestly, why did I even expect anything else? "You can't just tell me something like that and not elaborate. You told me you weren't gay for me? How did that help anything?"

Phil let out a noise between a growl and a sigh. "I needed you to hate me. Harvey knew you were my weakness, so he would have used you to get at me. If he thought we weren't friends anymore, he'd have no reason to mess with you anymore since it wouldn't hurt me. It worked."

It was true. Harvey hadn't laid a finger on me since our fight. "But why didn't you just tell me?" I said, pulling my bony knees to my chest.

Phil shrugged. "Because you wouldn't have acted the part. You're a shit liar, Dan," he told me with a grin. When I didn't smile back he continued. "Look, I'm sorry, but I can't change what happened."

I shook my head. "No, you can't."

"And I'd do it again, in a fucking heartbeat," Phil said and held the phone to his ear.

I watched him until he hung up, before springing my next question on him. "Why juvie? That's when it all went downhill," I recalled. "Are you going to tell me that you fucked up your whole life just to protect me?" As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth I knew they couldn't possibly be true. No one would do that much for someone else.

Phil set down the phone with a soft click and rolled his shoulders. Then he turned around and ran his long fingers through his hair. It mussed the black locks so they fell over his ears instead of his forehead. "Do you ever stop asking questions?"

I rolled my eyes and reached for the remote. I figured that was the case – Phil wouldn't do all that for me. "Fine. I get it. You wanted to get away from Harvey just like I did. You didn't have to lie about it. And you don't have to fuck around with me just because we're both gay. I don't mind–"

Phil grabbed my wrist. "I stole Chester Malone's car to get Harvey off your ass. He heard you were making out with some guy in the park," he spat out, looking away from my eyes. "Ask Calvin if you don't believe me. Actually, fuck that! I don't care if you believe it or not, that's the truth, that's what I did."

It took a while for me to remember. Right, the guy with blond hair and full lips. He was the only other gay I knew of in town. I had only used him in an effort to forget about Phil. It didn't work, but the guy was an alright kisser.

"Wait, so you went to juvie because Harvey found out I was gay?"

Phil loosened his hold on my wrist. "Yeah. He was pissed, so I knew I had to piss him off worse. I told Calvin to watch out for you while I was away. It worked."

I let my legs drop back to the bed. My eyes stung when I realised al the things I'd thought of Phil over the years. All the names I'd called him in my mind. How did I deserve someone like that when I was willing to turn on him over one stupid fight?