The problems of being me

And so the habit starts

Kiarah's p.o.v

I walk away from the cafeteria with excitement heavy on my chest. And fear.

I felt a foreboding to what I had just done. skipping a meal? had I ever even done that before? I doubted it. My mother cooked, I ate. I had food money, I ate. Hell, I doubted that I ever skipped a meal in my life.

But it felt good. Really good. It felt right. As I walked away and towards my group of friends outside, I could feel myself smiling like a retard. "Kate!" I heard someone shout. My heart beat increased its pace.

Oh shit, did someone find out what I have done? are they going to hold me back and force feed me?? oh gosh, what do I do??  I stood frozen in fear as someone's footsteps increased in proximity to my bubble of fear.

dark arms wrapped around my body, making me freak out. Can they feel my fat? I pulled away and stared at the face of Ariana, One of my close friends. I immediately felt my whole posture relax. 

"Hey Ariana. what's up?" She gave me a funny look. "Where's my fries, girlie?" her criticising voice penetrated me from all sides.  I stared into her brown eyes and knew mine were like saucers.

"Uh..." I let my words fall away. I never was a good liar. "I'm not hungry today." was my genius reply. Ariana playfully glared at me. "Well, I am. You said yesterday you would share your fries!" she whined to me.

I gave a short laugh and handed her my money. "I know. Sorry. you can have my fries for a few weeks to make up for it" I say sweetly as we walk to the rest of our group.

She gave me another weird look but let it go. We walked out the door of the school and sat at our table. everyone was laughing and having fun.

"Hey Kiarah!" Hailey greeted cheerfully. She was one of the most hyper of my friends. "Hey Hailey" I smiled at her. She ran up and hugged me (a regular thing that happens) and just as quickly ran away.

All lunch my friends rambled on about their weekends as I listened. They all did something active and fun. Dread creeped in as my turn to share drew closer. "What did YOU do, Kiarah?" asked Cally, another one of my friends. Everyones eyes turned to me and I had to avert my gaze from their curious stares.

"uh... not a whole lot. I... watched a lot of t.v." I said quietly. They chuckled. "Sounds like Kiarah, alright." A sinking feeling settled in my gut. was I really that lazy? I looked around at my friends. All of them were fit. I sinked lower into myself, hunching over and trying to be more small.

why hadn't I noticed this before?? because you were so used to being fat and lazy that you forgot what the word skinny meant. A voice in my head whispered.

Not soon enough, the bell rung. saved by the bell, I joked.