Marriage mistakes

The Choice

I sat there staring at my husband as if it was for the first time. It was clear he had aged in the time we had been apart, the concern and regret was written all over his face in a way I had never seen before.

Could he have really changed?

"I went to the doctors as you suggested and i've been put on some meds, sedatives to be exact to try and control my moods as well as taking up exercise, Healthy body Healthy mind and all that"
A small smile crosses my lips as he continues to ramble about how much better he is doing and I can't help but feel glad he has taken my advice and is getting the help he needs.

"I'm glad you are doing better but this doesn't change anything, I cant be with you! It's too toxic of a relationship to be in and I have to think of Amelia now as well as whats best for her. I'm sorry but this is for the best."
The second the words are out of my mouth his whole posture changes, his head drops to his hands, his shoulders crumble in on himself and a few stray tears escape his eyes falling down a path that has been used more in this conversation then I have ever seen in our whole relationship.
I tentatively reach across what is only a table but feels like oceans ad grasp what was once a strong and sturdy hand but was now softened by despair and age. In that moment i realized I still loved my husband and I doubt that will disappear even after all we have been through.

In the midst of the silence (that was like a protective blanket that had surrounded us and I never wanted to leave) I heard him say the four words I had been hoping to avoid.

"Can I see her?"

As soon as the words were out of his mouth my heart dropped into my stomach. Can he? Should he? She is his daughter after all but will he try to take her off me?

I had no answers to any of the questions running through my mind, is this a game to him? does he really want us? me? will he try to take me to court for custody? So all I could do was tell him to wait there while I went back  into the kitchen to get the most precious thing in my life and the very reason I had run from him for.

After a quick talk with Stephan confirming I was ok and wouldn't be much longer I carefully took Amelia back into my arms and towards one person I never thought she would meet. As I took my seat across from him I noticed he had refilled our cups of tea and got us both a bacon sandwich in my absence.

"Amelia Elizabeth meet your biological daddy Mark, Mark meet Amelia Elizabeth" I whisper trying to avoid disturbing her to much as she was fast asleep.

"Hello Baby" my head snapped up at his words preparing to correct him that I was no longer his when I noticed he wasn't speaking to me but to Amelia. Tears sprung to my eyes at the realization but I swallowed them down and mentally scolded myself at the stupidity and blamed it on the extra hormones.
"Would you like to hold her?" I ask and in reply I receive the biggest smile I have ever seen grace Mark's face and a involuntary smile pulls at my lips in return as I carefully pass her over.

After 10 minutes watching the wonder and love on Mark's face I started to doubt if I could really keep the two of them apart now that Mark knows of her existence, even if I wanted to I doubt he would allow it without a fight. I realize the whole time I've been thinking Mark has been speaking and I had been staring at them both with a zombie zoned out look on my face.
"How has she been? Any complications? Does she sleep through the night yet or is she trouble?" I smile at the game of 20 questions that Mark had just thrown at me in one go.
"What you see is kind of what you get with her, she sleeps 22 hours a day and only cries when shes hungry or needs changing so she's been relatively easy so far. She sleeps mostly through the night with only a couple of interruptions but settles back to sleep quickly and Stephan's been a great help through everything."

"Well I know I haven't been around for the pregnancy or the birth but I can always move in and take over the night shift as such and it's not far for me to travel from here to work and at least then I can see Amelia everyday and I don't mind sleeping on the sofa if it would make you feel more comfortable or you could move back into the house and we can fix up the guestroom as a nursery. Whatever you want!"
The more he spoke the happier and more excited he got and it killed me to burst his bubble but I couldn't let him continue with the belief we would simply get back together because of the baby.
I put my hand up in a stop motion and wait for him to take a breath before explaining to him that I was living with Stephan and that would not be changing. I explained that Stephan would help me raise her as her father and that this was an agreement made before she was born and I was simply trying to do what was best for everyone.

"So you believe another man raising Amelia is better then I don't know her own father!?"
A look of hurt, anger and disgust crossed his face in waves and repeated as if on a loop. Hurt, anger, disgust, hurt, anger, disgust. I simply stated at him while he gripped onto Amelia, as if remembering she was here he visibly took five large calming breaths.

Luckily (or unluckily depending how you viewed the situation) Stephan decided that was the moment to interrupt us.
"Hey babe, we best be off if we want to make it to my parents in time for lunch." He reminded while making his way over to us.
"Hand me your phone" Mark whispered in a voice that told me just to do as he says. I silently hand my new phone over to him and saw him type ferociously with the keys and a few seconds later heard the familiar ping signalling that he had not only inputted his number but made he had mine as well. He handed me back my phone before gently placing a kiss on Amelia's forehead whispering promised to see her again soon and that her daddy loved her before placing her back into my arms and walking out.

Maybe he hasn't changed as much as I first thought.

Just as I was strapping Amelia's car seat into Stephan's Ford Focus I hear my phone go off in my bag in the front and look over to see Stephan typing away on his iPhone completely oblivious to the rest of the world going on around him. Once we are all strapped in Stephan drives the car across town towards his parents while I pull my phone out assuming it was Mark only to find a message from an unknown number. That's weird why would mark go through the process of inputting his number only to not assign it to his name?

As the text opens my heard jumps into my throats and I had to swallow down the feeling of puking that suddenly took over my body. That one message took me back to the final few weeks at Marks house with the dead cat and harassing messages. Why come back now after 9 months of silence?

"Your mine bitch and don't you forget it!"