Numb: The Postscript

X. Different

I've tried my very best to muster what's left of my diminishing courage to talk to Étienne. It hurt, but I needed to know about Noèle. I was left, alone, with this depression that continued to hinder my true thoughts after Noèle passed. Clearing my conscience was what I needed.

Étienne brushed Aksel's mane as I stepped out, with sorrow frozen on the surface of his face. He noticed that I was standing there, and he plastered on a fake smile. I knew he wasn't that happy to see me. He wasn't that happy to see anybody.

"Étienne..." I combed my hair back with my fingers, and my eyes wandered off.

He sighed and stopped caressing Aksel's forehead. He turned to me— his eyes still bloodshot. Clearing his throat, he spoke, "I tried."

His mouth was dry, but he managed to lick the chapped, cracked skin of his lips. He hasn't taken cared of himself at all. I could tell from his sunken cheeks, weak knees, and the fine lines under his eyes that grew like roots of a tree. He took another minute to think about what he had said or what he was going to say. He sighed once again and continued, "To make her happy. I-"

"You did," I interrupted him.

His eyes smiled and he let out a light chuckle, "Young man, I didn't make her as happy as you did. You just don't know."

"But you're her father..."

"Heh, I am. And you, my boy, gave her something I couldn't. You know?"

I bit my lip and was about to answer, but Étienne stopped me.

"That was a rhetorical question. I know you know. There isn't doubt about that, heh." He turned to Aksel and ran his fingers through his mane, "It's really different. Without her. Even though she knew that she was... Sick, she didn't live life to the fullest. She lived life as if death wasn't near. She wanted to be like others. She didn't want to be different."

Two individuals, we were. From different worlds, different lives. Yet, we were the same. We didn't want to be different.

"Why?!" I called at him.

"What is it?!" He turned and saw my whole body quivering, my clenching fists, and my tears rolling. I was trying to release my feelings by wailing. Then I was engaged in spontaneous whipping, thrashing. I had no control over what I was doing. I remember shouting at the sky, my veins popping around my neck.

"I've held it for too long, Étienne! I can't! I don't!" I was already on my knees. He ran up to me, but I got up and backed away, "Please leave me be! I can't do this anymore! I can't do this to you! And to myself... Constantly pretending... Hiding... Trying to avoid myself..."

"I d-don't understand."

My palms covered my face. My breathing was heavy. I was suffocating. What has become of me? I needed to stop.

I looked down at the overwhelmed Étienne, "I'm sorry. I don't understand either."

He put a hand on my shoulder firmly, "Hans... I don't know what I can do for you..."

"It's not what you can do for me; it's what I can do for myself. Thank you for everything, Étienne. Really. You've done so much for me. Jérémie, too. And Noèle..."

His bittersweet smile showed after I had said this, "And I thank you, Hans, on the behalf of Noèle. You mean so much to this family no matter how much you deny it. No matter what was your past. No matter the being that you are. I know that the best thing for you is... Well, it's something you have to decide for yourself."

"And I have decided that I need to finish what I have started."

Étienne let go of my shoulder and gave me a look of certainty and understanding. I began to walk away backwards. I grinned and waved at him as he bowed his head.

It was time to finally do the right thing.

****

Ok, guys... We are nearing the end of the book (in case you forgot)! We are indeed heading a different path... See what I did there? Wanted to update with two chapters since the last one was a short after thought/transition chapter. Anyway, things do start to get...

Different.

Thanks, baes! <3