Trying not to die

Gender and heartbreak?

In December I can home one day and saw my stepdad watching a documentary about transgender people (he loves documentaries). He had to leave to get my brothers from school and left it on so I was alone and was watching it. After watching it I was thinking a lot about my gender questioning it and even brought the thought to my girlfriend. I thought about being a girl, being a boy,and being a girl with a penis thinking I just wanted the penis part of a guy. So I just thought about that and asking myself what I want that involves my gender.

Me and my girlfriend have been having a lot of fights and being on and off again and I thought I really loved her but I wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't happy with being with her for a few months and I couldn't continue the relationship. It wasn't fair to me or her.

I told her how I felt and she was very upset. I didn't really care bc I had to put myself first for once in my life and I did. About a month passed and I missed her so I asked her if she wanted to get back together. She said yes and we dated for about a week bc I again wasn't happy with her plus my family hates her for stuff that she did. So that is the end of my love life.