Insomnia (OtaYuri fanfic)

Chapter 5: Dealing with depression

The next day, Yuri woke up with a sharp pain in his head, his sleep restless, more like a faint. Everyday he was chewing his mind but by bit, knowing very well that one day he'll be left with nothing in the end. He wished he could remember what his roommate was talking about but felt tied up. He just wished for his mere presence. He just wanted to see him once again, to touch him like he used to, to see the excitement on his face everytime he listened to him talking about nothing and everything. He had one simple wish... To see that side of him again. He wished they could talk like they used to, he wished they could share everything like they used to. He wished they could talk all through the night once again, like they used to. But none of that was possible. Because he was being so cold towards him. It hurt... It hurt like hell... He loved him... He loved him with all his heart, for him, he was the most precious thing in the world, the sun and the moon, the sky and its stars, the sound of the forest in a breezy night, the heartbeat in his chest. Everything. But he wouldn't tell. He never said a word... Until that one fateful night, that all so damned night that cursed his first friendship and his first true love. He never had someone to truly care about. Sure he had crushes, but they never lasted more then one week and he never had any hopes for the future with any of them. Now that he loved someone, it hurt... He didn't want to ever hear of this one feeling again. Love? What a load of bullshit. He wanted to escape this constant sadness, it wasn't enough that he himself had insomnia long before he met the Kazakh, now he had one more reason to stay up all night. His tears were permanently there, it was like they never stopped. It was like a switch has been pressed within him. He just wanted him alone. He hoped he did, as well. But there was no chance after he had been so brutally rejected by the only one his heart belonged to. But now that he gave away his heart, the other just took it and smashed it to the ground like it was nothing to care for in the first place, like that was a random frame that he had all the right to break. It was a gift from Yuri to Otabek. But he didn't even care as much as to keep it. Now the poor boy had no heart to give to anyone else. It was just his and his empty body. He got up, barely standing up on his feet, saying to himself "Fuck it. I am done. I a so done. I don't need this I don't WANT this..." he walked to the bathroom, opening the cabinets, looking for his so well hidden antidepressants. He couldn't have Otabek seeing them in any circumstances. He hates looking weak. He hated being pitted, he hates people's worried looks at the sight of the pills. He couldn't help it. He had clinical depression and there was nothing he could do about it. His mind drifted back to his dark thoughts. He wasn't good enough. He was aggressive, he was clingy, he had nothing to offer, he was worthless. Worthless. This was the word that could describe him the best. A worthless piece of shit that can't do anything by himself, constantly needing someone to help him up everytime he falls. He takes the tiny jar of pills, placing half of the content in his hand. A few more tears rolled down his cheeks as he swallowed hard, fear building up withing him. "Goodbye, Beka..." he whispered, looking down at the pills, as his hand moved closer to his mouth. "Yuri Plisetsky what the hell do you think you're doing?" A voice from behind him yelled, the teenager immediately recognising the smooth but firm voice. He turned his head sharply to be met with his roommate, whose fury was written in his eyes. "What the hell? Are you an utter idiot what the actual fuck?" He took the jar off of the sink to skan the pills as he continued "Antidepressants? What the fuck does a kid like you know about depression? And now you want to kill yourself, well done! Have you ever thought of anyone else besides yourself? Ever put yourself in someone else's shoes? Even thought of how it could affect me? You think it would end just like that, but you never considered the damage caused by your death, dammit!" He threw the tiny plastic jar in the pretty boy's chest, storming out the room, leaving the Russian beauty now on the floor, struggling to breathe, the tears suffocating him. He desperately looked for the jar that was laying now on the floor, now wishing more than ever to finish the job he has assigned to. He took the remainings of the container, staring down at them. He hates him. Otabek, his friend, his love, his everything, hates him. What was the point in going further? He was aware he had nothing to love about him anyway. He had a loud mouth, a rude attitude, he was aggressive and he could be cold as ice. His beauty faded along with his pathetic attempt at a confession, so his only nice feature betrayed him as well, his bright green eyes having no spark at all anymore. He let out a deep sigh before placing the pills back in the jar. The biggest and worst torture is to live with the venom that eats you out alive, destroying you bit by bit, like a parasite. To feel sorrow every day and every night. To keep your false hopes up till the very end. He wanted it all. He wanted to torture himself, to punish himself for hurting his one and only love. In order to do that, he had to live another day. He chose. He won't die today.

He went back to his room, still sniffing slightly, collapsing on the bed, defeated, hurt, humiliated, tired, all of the above. He just wished for one night, one more night that they could share together, he wished to see him desiring him again, to see him and him only but it was too late for that. He was still there, lost in his thoughts when a notification caught his attention. As much as he wasn't in the mood to verify it, he couldn't help his curiosity. He opened it to see a picture with the one and only Viktor Nikiforov, fondly smiling at the camera next to a temple with a tag in Japan. He scoffed before closing his phone, placing back on his bed, turing around, looking over at the sleeping kitten next to him. "Found you." He said, taking his tears away, looking more determined that ever. Maybe this was exactly what he needed right now. A distraction. Something to hell him forget, something to keep his mind occupied. It was settled. He was going to Japan to find his coach-to-be, and no one was going to stay in his way, or say otherwise, or stop him.

On the way to the airport, the only thing Otabek could do was look out the window of the car, his earbuds in his ears and his thoughts all messed up. He didn't dare talk to his roommate during the ride, too afraid that he already messed up big time, especially after the scene in the bathroom. He had no reason to judge, he had no right to blame him or tell him He doesn't know anything about this stuff. But the thought of losing him just made the anger build up in his chest until it exploded into this whole fit. He agreed to accompany his friend on the trip till the airport, where they were about to part ways. For how long, he didn't know, himself.  As they stopped at the front gate, they both got out, his friend taking out his suitcase, placing it on the monotonous pavement, before he said "Well then... I guess this is a see you later for now...? I don't think it's goodbye just yet.". The toned man just smiled slightly, nodding at the words of Russian, as he said in a smooth voice "Yeah...". Yuri looked up before saying with a nervous gaze "Look. There is something I wish to do before we part ways." The other nodded again before saying "Sure, what is it?" He didn't have time to react, only blinking in surprise, cause the teenager pulled him quickly into a kiss, his arms wrapped around his neck. He didn't even have time to protest or ask what was going on, cause as soon as the kiss finished, the blond said a short 'Bye' and left, leaving the other man with way more questions that he had before. What he knew for sure was that Yuri kissed him. Not a drunk make out session, not feelings powered by alcohol, the completely sane, completely sober Yuri Plisetsky kissed him, sparking a fire within him, like this was the impulse Otabek needed, like this was everything he could ever ask for. He didn't know what this was all about, or why exactly did he do it, all he knew was that he couldn't let this go just like that. He felt the sudden urge to chase him and to make everything right.