Insomnia (OtaYuri fanfic)

Chapter 6: The scars of the past's mistakes

It was a cold night in Japan, the wind blowing from every direction, almost impossible to stay outside with the bitter atmosphere. But for a certain young Russian, it wasn't such a big deal. Hell, he didn't care one bit about the weather outside. He just wanted to clear his mind for a moment or two. He was in Japan. He came after Viktor. He found him. And yet why wasn't he the slightest bit interested in him anymore? It seemed like his training was going well, but it was just s routine, a reflex, something he would do without even thinking, something he was used to. Right now all he thought about was his roommate back in Russia. He has been hurt, defeated and humiliated in more ways than one. He felt abandoned. Otabek was the only man who ever sparked his interest in such a way, to make him want him with all of his might, to the point where not even his body would resist him. What did this man do to him to feel this way? What kind of magic was that? Because it was clear to him that this could be the death of him. Usually, he would be able to play them like a mere puppet, to get what he wants. But with him, it was different. He never had the intention to hurt him. Not at all. Since the first night they spent together, he couldn't stop thinking of him, he wanted to know more about the foreigner that was living with him, he wished to befriend him, to help him, knowing he must be lonely, having absolutely no one in this big city of St. Petersburg. Hurting him was the last thing he wished to do because, well... He was his first friend as well, after all. He just he wished he could remember what he did wrong, what he did to hurt Otabek so much. To know what made him hate him so much. To put an end to this constant misery that took over him like a wave that just hit him. 

Otabek was, without a doubt, lost. He had no idea where he was, what he was supposed to look for, where he had to go, heck, he didn't even know if Yuri even wanted to see him. He only knew he had to make everything right, because that one last kiss, the short moment when their lips touched, it gave him a ray of hope, that there might be something, somewhere. That maybe it wasn't all just drunk thoughts and that maybe he wasn't acting all because of the alcohol in his blood, in the heat of the moment, on impulse, that maybe there was something between their drunken make out sessions. He looked around, asked, desperate to find the gorgeous blond who stole his heart and took it with him to Japan. But fortunately for him, a notification on Instagram caught his attention. It was a picture of Yuri wearing a tiger shirt, tagged somewhere around Ice Castle. He wasted no time, practically running towards the certain ice rink, to find the beautiful Russian that he loved so dearly. 

Yuri was skating his routine as always, no mistakes, mechanically, with no emotion nor heart, like his heart was already shattered and had none to give to his passion and to his work. The silver haired Russian noticed, he saw there was no spark in the teen's eyes, that there was nothing in those beautiful green eyes that used to enchant the audience, that gave them the feeling of something unique, the feeling of commitment, the feeling of love and passion for what he does. There was nothing. Nothing at all. He was numb, shallow. His now couch couldn't really tell why he felt this way or what caused it, but something was definitely off. The blond got off the ice with a sigh, taking off his skates, his training done by then. That is when a certain Kazakh entered the building panting and sweating, looking around desperately, finally laying his eyes on the person that he was looking for. Weirdly enough, the first thing Yuri did was to run into his arms and pull him into a kiss, to the toned man's delight. They just sat there for a moment, their lips pressed against each others, and arms wrapped around each other. It looked like they were in a relationship for years, like they have known each other for years and they have been together for so long. Lord knows, it was far from being so sweet. Although the sight was rather heartwarming from the sight of two grown ups who were just witnessing a blossoming young romance. They parted, as the pretty boy looked at the foreigner with a smile on his face and a shocked look in his eyes. "Beka! What are you doing here? When did you arrive? Why? What is happening?" he asked, still smiling. "I just couldn't leave it like that, that's all. Especially since I had so many things to tell you.". Yuri looked the man up and down and placed his head over his shoulder, letting out a sigh. But he couldn't allow himself to be happy for too long. Not after, well... Everything that happened last time... Last time he was happy. Last time he actually had someone to love and care for. He knew what happened last time he let himself be happy. "Beka... You can't be here..." he said, looking down. He thought this sentence alone would be enough to drive him away, but that wasn't the case. "And why is that?" his roommate asked, raising an eyebrow. "Is just... I don't... You can't... be him... Not again..." he said, looking down. "Yuri, you don't make any sense right now.". The Russian fairy gritted his teeth into an attempt not to cry at the painful memories. He looked up and said with a sad smile, but visibly miserable "It's a long story.". "I have time." his friend said with a worried expression. 

An empty room. The only ones were the two men cuddled in bed, arms wrapped around each other, nothing seemed to count other than them. You could feel the comfortable silence between them as they were breathing in sync, both with a smile on their face. "Yuri... We should run away... To some place... Away from here... Anywhere." the other man said, looking over at his beauty laying next to him, giving him a soft kiss on the lips. That was enough to destroy the peace between the two of them. "Vlad... We talked about this... I-I can't... WE can't..." he said with a sigh. "Why... Tell me once and for all. Why? Don't you want a life with me? Why can't you just let go and run away with me somewhere where we can be us instead of Yuri and Vlad?". Silence. The Russian beauty didn't know how to answer this. He knew he had to. He knew the reason why he couldn't leave. He just didn't have the heart to tell him. But he knew he had to tell him at some point. "Vlad... You know very well why... I have a career, I want to bring honor to this country, I have a family, I can't just throw everything away like this!" he said with a sigh. "Why...? We are never seen together, you always hide, you won't let me hold your hand on the streets, won't let me kiss your cheek, what even are we, are we even in a relationship right now? What the hell even is this, Yuri? Answer me! Are you ashamed of me, is that it?" he said with tears in his eyes. The emerald eyes looked down in embarrassment, avoiding to answer. He was, more or less. He couldn't be seen in public with another man, especially since the media was all over him all the time, it would ruin his chances in the Grand Prix, his image, his credibility, everything. He would've worked so hard for nothing. "Yuri, answer me, dammit!" said the other man impatiently. "Yes! Yes I am! Do you realize what we are? We are men, Vlad, rumors have already spread, one wrong step and I could be the joke of the next year's Senior division, I am already younger than everyone as it is! A relationship scandal coming out would already be bad enough, one about a homosexual relationship would be ten times worse, it would spread like the plague, and all of my credibility would be ruined! I'll be the topic of discussion of everyone, fingers will be pointed at me and I will never be able to escape this!" he snapped as his lover only cried silently, nodding in reply. "I see how it is..." he turned around, storming out the room without any other word. Yuri had this urge to go after him, but deep down, he knew there was no way to fix this. Next day, the news were all showing the same thing: A teenager named Vlad Alistratov hangs himself, body found next to the local ice rink at 3 am. 

Yuri was now trembling as he was talking, shaking with tears rolling down his cheeks showing no signs of stopping, and Otabek was holding his fragile body, rocking him back and forth. Good thing they were in Otabek's hotel room, having enough intimacy, the emerald eyes being able to let the bitter tears flow as the slender figure was sat in the toned, solid man's lap, whose strong arms seemed to protect him by the outside world, by its cruelty, by its unfairness. "Shhh Yura, it's ok..." the foreign man said with sadness and pity in his eyes as he gazed at the broken boy in his arms, wishing to protect him from his own dark thoughts, from his own person, from what broke him. "I killed him, Beka... I killed him..." his lips managed to let out as he felt another wave of tears overwhelming him as he spoke. He was unable to speak, his voice fainted and with no power whatsoever, nothing like the strong and confident Yuri everyone knew. He has been haunted by this memory every time he got close to anyone, every time he opened up to anyone, shutting everyone out. And most of them would just leave him be, abandon him. But for some weird reason, Otabek seemed like he was willing to try, to stay, to fix him. It was the first time someone would ever go this far for him. Why, he couldn't explain it, himself. Was he even this worthy? Was he worthy of anyone's love? He never found himself worthy of love. He couldn't share real love until he loved himself. Which was something near impossible. "Shhh.... Yuri. It's not your fault. Whatever happened back then, it wasn't your fault. You are not the one who killed him, stop blaming yourself. We all have this thing called free will. We are humans, we make mistakes. He was just not strong enough to endure the cruelty of this world. You were a kid, Yuri. You don't need to dwell on the past for the rest of your life. Accept your mistakes, learn from them and learn to live with them.". The blond didn't say a word, only sat in silence in the other man's arms, feeling himself calm down at the gentle touch of the man. ". . . I just... I'm scared... That I will hurt you, too... That I will end up losing you, too..." he said with a straight face, yet the tears rolling down his face gave away his fears. "Yuri... I am not Vlad..." his roommate said, lifting his chin, kissing his lips softly and assuring him that he was willing to fight this time. He won't run away nor hide. He stared into those beautiful bright green orbs with a smile. "Yuri, look at me, I'm not scared. I am willing to take risks. I am willing to fight for us. And I will be saying that, I will kiss you, hold you, love you until you get the message." his smile got brighter as the Russian looked down shyly. ". . . And after I get the message? What will happen then?" he asked in a whisper as the dark haired man chuckled. "After that I'll do everything over and over again."