Insomnia (OtaYuri fanfic)

Chapter 8: New Living Nightmare

And here it was... The so common screaming and shouting surrounding their household. Yuri could hear his heart break along with the shattered porcelain of the mugs Otabek would throw at him, he'd find himself crying even harder at each smash as the Kazakh would smash once again a plate, one after the other, as if to replace the damage that the Russian created. But it was too late now it would seem. "How could you!?!" he kept screaming, with the pretty emerald eyes begging for him to calm down and just listen to me. "How could you possibly hide something like that from me!?! We've been living under the same roof for so long and I still don't know shit about you, you twisted sick motherfucker!?? Were you about to play me?!! Maybe tax me, too, while you're at it!?!" he yelled at the blonde whose heart shattered at the other male's voice and the words he just threw at him. Nasty, indeed. It hurt. It definitely hurt. And although until then he felt defenseless, he found himself picking up a glass and throwing it at his roommate's head, the tan male vigorously snatching himself on the side to dodge it. "No, how dare you!!! How dare you say such insensitive things without even hearing my part of the story?? Or how it made me feel? Or why I did it!?? Or what was it that made me do it!?! How dare you!?! You said you loved me! Bullshit! Where is that god damn love that you were proclaiming not long ago? Where is the part where you actually prove to me that you do? Where is the tender touch you showed me not long ago, that caring touch? Cause right now I don't know who you are all I see is a greedy, jealous, anger-powered monster who just thinks everything is black and white and everything needs to be about their suffering. Well guess what, we all suffer, life is shitty for all of us, we all do what it takes to survive. So go ahead, throw one more thing, I fucking dare you!!!" the young Russian screamed on the top of his lungs feeling like still, no one could hear him. The Kazakh didn't move a muscle after his roommate snapped back, as if in a transe, as if his words snapped him back into reality. He just stood there, mesmerised about what just happened. Soon enough, the beautiful green eyes closed in an attempt to calm down, voice shaky, heart racing, and mind laying on the floor with the shattered glass. His quiet sobs soon turned into louder and louder cries as if he wished he could erase it all. As if his cries were what was about to bring back his joy somehow. And so, because the heart of the Kazakh couldn't be of stone forever, he melted at the sight of his loved one crying so painfully, seeing him in such misery. It was heartbreaking. He slowly walked towards the boy, wrapping his arms around him, but quietly and aggressively been pushed back, the blond locks looking up so suddenly and yelling "No don't touch me! Get away from me right now!" But he couldn't fight it... He couldn't put a real fight... Cause well... He wanted his comfort... He wanted his love... He wanted to be caressed, embraced, just cared for... But after all those nasty things he said... Does he truly deserve it... Either way, he couldn't fight it because he was too weak when it came to him to resist his embrace, to fight back his love, to reject his care... He just couldn't... Oh how bittersweet, how painful vital, how desperately he needed his love... But God knows he wanted to reject it with all his heart... He wanted to scream even louder, to punch him, to let him know it hurt... To let him know he was so insensitive... To let him know he has had enough... He wished for him to understand that all this time he was hurting... He was hurting and he couldn't take any more of him screaming, of him accusing him, of him throwing nasty words at him, of him just... Not getting it... How could he be so insensitive, so selfish, so caught up in his own world that he didn't see that he, himself, was broken...? He was so damn indulged into his own pain that he forgot that Yuri was a human, too. He forgot it wasn't all about his pain, he forgot that there is different sides to each story, that he had his own demons to fight with. He just forgot how to respond to the one he once claimed he loved... And it hurt... So so much... Too much... It was like knives stabbing continuously and simultaneously through Yuri's heart, it felt as if all the love was gone, it felt as if he was to blame although he knew he had his reasons... And yet here he was... In the arms of his murderer, the one who slit his soul in half, who had no mercy whatsoever, who just happened to now believe that throwing the blame and hurting him was ok... The one person who was protecting his heart back then was the exact same one who was now tearing it into pieces, and it hurt... It really really hurt... Where were the times when he used to caress his body as if he was the most precious thing on this planet? Where were the times when he'd murmur "I love you" under his breath...? Where were the times when he truly, genuinely cared...? Was he now a convenient punch bag? Was he now the object of his hate? Was he now a beautiful bastard that just loved to mess with his brain? Was he staying because it was convenient?  He knew he could never leave... Because as mad as he was right now... He was in his arms... Not moving a muscle... Not saying a word... Just quietly sobbing into those strong so beloved arms of his. He loved him... He knew he did... And Lord knows he wished that he didn't... Because with each minute in his arms, his scent became more addictive, his touch more familiar, his heartbeat more comforting, his breathing more soothing... And the thought of letting go more painful... Just as he thought of all the nasty things he said, all the reasons he had to walk away, his strong wish to hate him, he heard him whispering into his ear "I love you..." just like he used to do... His heart skipped a beat and his voice got caught in his throat as he felt his body getting weaker and weaker, repeating those words in his head like a mantra, his eyes shedding the tears more violenty than before as he shakily said "How dare you..." he grasped into his shirt, feeling his already shattered heart, surprisingly, crack once more as he kept repeating through sobs "How dare you how dare you how dare you...". He was like putty in his hands... He was so mean, arrogant, full of himself, entitled to everything, had the right to do whatever he felt like, and yet... He loved him... He loved him, no matter how much he's been crying because of him, no matter how broken he was because of him, no matter how wrong he was, no matter the fact that he was just reflecting his anger at him... It didn't matter... His feelings never changed... And he hated that... He wished he could control them, he wished he could resist this man, he wished he could tell him no, but no matter how hard he tried... He was his... And his only... And nothing could've changed that... He felt the Kazakh's lips on his own for a second, and he couldn't help but respond, feeling himself being pulled in, with his heart beating out of his chest, but finally... For once in his life... He found the strength to say no... He pushed him back with all his strength and said "No... No no no. You seem to miss a point here, mister. I. Am not. Your toy. You can't just enjoy me whenever you please until there's something new. You can't just steap all over me and think you can talk your way into my arms..." the dark skinned man took a step forward trying to reach out for the man but soon was cut off by a sharp and imposing voice that was gathered with all of the Russian's streght. "Don't. Take another step in my direction. Do you hear me? I can't be trusted around you. I'm not naive. Just... Forget it... Its over... We're over..." the words seemed to have frozen the tan male in place. Over...? But that can't be... The blond beauty ran up to his room, the other man quickly following. Why is he coming for him? Why doesn't he just let it go? There is nothing he can do anymore. It's over. They're over. He was too broken and he did too much to be forgiven. Yuri looked back at the man as his hand was resting on the doorknob, letting out a painful sigh before saying, not for a second turning his head "And when the time comes... Explain to everyone why it's over... The pain and embarrassment you put me through..." he said before opening the door, and quickly getting into his room, slamming it into his face in anger. He didn't forget to lock it, knowing very well the man would try to come after him. For once... He didn't want to... Right now... He wanted to be as far away from him as possible... He wanted to sit in his room just reflecting at his own life, and stop being whatever Otabek wanted him to be... He wanted to be free... He wanted to be able to say what he has on his mind without being lashed at, he wanted to be just... Himself... It seemed like being himself only caused trouble. It seemed like he was only a burden for everyone. It seemed like no one liked the real Yuri. It seemed like he was always being pressured into being someone he is not. He was just someone's doll, wasn't he... He should've acted accordingly, he should've wiped any trades of intelligence, just agree, just nod, just get hit like its completely normal... Too bad he wasn't, right? Too bad he was a functional human being with real emotions, too bad he was hurt, too bad he actually thought he had the right to be hurt, right? It was harder than it looked like, to have such intense emotions but all you'd receive is hate and backlash and nasty words thrown at you... From the person you love the most... He wished he could just be fine pretending things were alright. He wished he could be fine pretending he wasn't hurt. He wished he could be fine pretending that he wasn't acting in such a cruel manner to him... But no one could pretend forever... No one could sleep forever... No one could be continuously cut through and pretend the wound wasn't there... He knew he has a good heart... But he also knew it changes... He knew he wasn't the same man... He knew something within changed... And the worst part was... He was remembering what he used to be and realised... The person he was in love with back then isn't the same person he was today... And he didn't know if he'd ever come back... What if he didn't... What if it was all in his head... What if he was holding on to nothing in the end... He couldn't process all these thoughts when he knew the very object of his affection was right in front of him because quite frankly, he never thinks straight when he is in his arms... And that was the most dangerous conclusion he has ever come to in his whole life... He was scared to death... He was scared of how toxic he was... But he was also scared of the feelings he had for him... Because those feelings weren't nothing... And that was the scariest part of them all...

A/N: Hi guys I know I haven't posted much but yeah... Insomnia hit once more recently and so I got some "inspiration" from my sleepless nights... Hope y'all enjoy, might hang around here for a while.