Lonely People

How To Be A Failure 101

If anybody noticed Molly and I doing our best to stay apart, they didn't say anything. Molly stuck close to Janice while I was practically glued to Paul. Even on the flight to Australia, when I would usually be sitting with Molly and Janice laughing at jokes and playing games, I sat next to Paul. We were on the exact opposite side of the plane than the girls. Molly and I had our backs to each other as we had been doing every day since that fateful night. 

I sat next to Paul while George and Ringo sat across from us. John was napping nearby, and Brian and Ellen were in a deep conversation. Ringo had his nose in a book, and George was drawing pictures of guitars.

"What's wrong, Mel? You look sickly skin," Ringo asked.

Paul chuckled at his use of words but didn't say anything. I glanced up and met his eyes, "I'm just not feeling well. Planes and I don't like each other."

"Unless she's angry," George stated, glancing up at me and smirking.

I sneered at him. Ringo looked like he wanted to ask, but he simply shook his head. Paul side-eyed me. I gave him a small smile, reassuring him that I was alright, even though I was far from it.

There were three of me shoved inside of my head. One told me to be afraid of what I felt, that I was going to get myself and Molly killed. Another yelled, telling me I should be ashamed. What I was doing was wrong, at least, according to society.

The third told me that love couldn't be wrong. If I really and truly loved Molly, who cares what society thinks? My job was going against society, why should my love be any different? I shouldn't be ashamed, and I sure as hell shouldn't be afraid. This world is filled with terrible things, it could do with a bit more love. Love should be the last thing this world rules against.

I tried to listen, but the fear was too much. The laws were very clear and very dangerous. I couldn't let Molly get hurt, no matter how much I hated it. This band might fall apart, the entire dream might crumble to dust, but we would be safe.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts as we descended on Sydney, Australia," the pilot's voice spoke over the intercom.

Paul groaned, "Finally! I can't feel my bum."

"There are things I don't want to know," I muttered.

Paul grinned at me. We all buckled our seatbelts and the plane began to go down. My ears popped twice as it did. I held onto the seat and squeezed my eyes shut. Riding in a plane was fine until we hit any turbulence or when we had to descend.

We landed without a problem. When I could feel the wheels hit the ground, I released a sigh of relief. Once again, we had made it through the flight without dying. I felt like I had won some big race. Brian said I would eventually get used to riding in planes, but I didn't believe him. After eight different flights in my lifetime, I had yet to get used to it. If anything, I hated them more. 

The door to the plane opened and we were met with millions of screaming girls. Two black cars waited at the bottom, both with three rows of seats. Molly, Janice, Ellen, and Peter all disembarked first. Janice shot a glance at me, silently asking me to come, but I avoided her gaze. I watched as they all left and hurried into the black car.

The Beatles were next, closely followed by me. I tried to make myself small like I was a cardboard cutout of myself. Nothing to feel, nothing to think, all I had to do was stand there and look pretty. I was trembling in the breeze like I was filled with air, and my skin was the only thing keeping me from vanishing into the sky.

That's what I felt like. I was a rebel without a cause, a singer without a voice, a candle without a flame. I was a human without love and a guilt that weighed more than all of England. Once, I had felt many things. I felt emotions stronger than the normal person. Those who know me would often say I was more emotion than thought, and I went through life with an emotion so strong it could overwhelm the average man. That strength knew no bounds, especially when it came to love. I loved, and I loved strongly, but I wasn't allowed. To feel and be denied your own feelings was worse than dying. I was deflated, destroyed, obstructed. I'm not half the man I used to be.