Fanfiction Cliches (and Where to Find Them)

Cliche #11 - Smut Written by Virgins

Cliche: Some (okay, most) fanfictions contain smut... yet this smut is so poorly written you begin to wonder if the author knows what sex really is.

Example:
"What r u gonna do?" I ax nervous-like.

He grinned down at me, a mischiefus glint in his I's.

"Imma put mah ding-a-ling-a-ling inside ur lady door."

It was so sexyul I came immediately. Wow.

Why it's a cliche:
*stabs self repeatedly* LEARN THE FACTS OF LIFE, PEOPLE.

Now, I've never done the deed myself (waiting til marriage, y'all), but even a virgin like me can tell that that's not how sex works. There's probably no talking involved and it most likely wouldn't go on for an entire night.

And don't get me started on the descriptions. They're either really, really graphic or just so poorly written you feel the urge to punch something.

Also, I've read a fic or two where the whole procedure was like a bloody TUTORIAL. i.e.: the guy/girl explaining it step by step.

It was really awkward. 😞

In My Own Words:
Yes, readers, I too have fallen under the "virgin writing smut" category in some places. I just don't know that much about sex so I try to avoid it as a plot point... but there have been a few instances where I tried too hard.

* * * *

Pauline suddenly let out a series of the most arousing pants and screams I'd ever heard. "Just keep going, Johnny! Keep doing it!" she shrieked, throwing her head back in rapture.

"As you wish," I said, smirking a little.

We carried on for a further ten minutes, loving the living daylights out of each other. Pauline moaned constantly, screaming out some extremely risque things, but it made me even more determined to please her. Then I collapsed on top of her, exhausted yet absolutely thrilled.

I think I'm actually going to vomit. Who the hell writes smut like THIS? Apparently I do, and I am not at all proud of it. (Also, I found out that the average time for sex is six to eight minutes - therefore John and Pauline's half-hour in McGirly is WAY too long.)

* * * *

"I love you too, Michael," George said, smiling. "But this is your first time we're talking about, here. You'll never be able to get it back if you lose it."

"Neither will you," I smirked. "And besides, if there's anyone I'd want to lose my innocence to, then it would be you."

George smiled. "I really do love you."

"I love you too," I replied softly. "Come over here and I'll prove it."

So he did. 

This heartwarming scene comes from She's a Woman... and literally nothing was described. We just have to assume that George and Michelle (called Michael here because plot points) did, well... SOMETHING.

* * * *

That was all John needed to hear. He positioned his hands abruptly on Paul's bottom, so abruptly that Paul himself jerked, practically rising to his toes. He didn't complain and began run his hands through John's thick brown hair. Paul moaned as John planted more kisses on his neck and face, his lips bashing hard against Paul's smooth skin. They shared the passionate embrace for a few minutes when Paul suddenly broke away. Sweat was trickling down his face and he appeared out of breath.

Jeebus Crust on a bike... I was literally fourteen when I wrote this pre-sex scene from Missing You and I'm still so embarrassed that it exists on the internet. I think I searched "how do describe a kiss" on Google and just used the first answer that popped up.

So, yes, the virgin isn't great at writing smut, and probably never will be.