Plan Heartbreak

Chapter 7

                “Do you want me to go in with you?” Paul asked as we pulled up in front of my house.

            He must have seen how I had been growing paler by the minute, “No, I’ll be fine, thanks for bringing me to the beach, I guess I’ll see you at school Monday?” I asked.

            “Um yeah,” he said.

            I nodded then got out of the car without another word and headed inside. I walked up the steps to my room to see a familiar face sitting on my bed. “Hey Al,” the voice said.

            I sighed giving him a small wave my eyes immediately falling on the birthmark on his neck that was the only thing that separated his looks from Josh. “Come on we can do better than that,” he said standing up and pulling me into a hug.

            I obliged allowing him to wrap me in his arms and for a moment I pretended he was Josh and he was just holding me just like he used to. James smelled just like Josh so it was easy to do….to pretend….. “How are you Al?” James asked me softly lifting my chin so that I would look into those beautiful green eyes of his.

            “I’ve been better,” I shrugged letting go of James and taking a step back having to remind myself that this was James not Josh.

            I looked out the window toward the forest noticing a bush moving and something silver. I looked closer, but it was gone. “Cut the crap, Ali, you’ve been awful, you don’t have to lie to me, and put that strong front up. It’s me, I’ve always been able to read you like an open book,” he told me.

            I didn’t look at him, “Not as well as Josh,” I said rudely becoming a bitch at the mention of his twin.

            James stiffened at his brother’s name, “You really miss him huh?” he whispered.

            I looked up at him tears in my eyes, “You have no idea, I know its been two years, James, my parents tell me that all the time, but…..I still wake up and pick up my phone thinking that I’ll have a silly picture of him that he sent me with a good morning beautiful text, and when I don’t…..I’m reminded that I won’t ever have one of those again,” my voice wavered.

            James looked away from me, “I remember….” he whispered looking down and for a moment he sounded just like Josh.

            I looked up at him staring at his birthmark. “Do you ever wish it was me that died in the accident and not him?” he whispered.

            “James, don’t talk like that,” I whispered, it would be a lie if I say I hadn’t. Josh and I were always closer, but I still loved James.

            “I know you do, Al, I wish I did too,” he whispered.

            “James,” I scolded.

            “You would have been happy, my sister wouldn’t be a mess sleeping with every guy she meets, and my parents would be able to look at each other! Josh was the favorite, I know that,” he whispered.

            I slapped him at that, “SHUT UP!” I screamed at him and he went silent.

            “You know they never found the body right, how it was thrown from the car,” he whispered.

            “He’s dead, James, let it go, he isn’t missing, he’s dead,” I spat the word.

            “Really? Are you sure, because look,” he whispered shoving his phone in my face.

            I grabbed at the phone then, and stared at the boy getting coffee at Starbucks…..that was missing the birthmark……it looked like him, but I just knew it wasn’t him. I threw the phone at James. “Do you think this is funny? Playing with my emotions like this? He’s dead, James, get that through your thick head!” I shrieked at him.

            “THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE FUCKIN PICTURE ALI! IT COULD HAVE BEEN HIM YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO THAT HE ISN’T DEAD! YOU CAN FEEL IT JUST LIKE I CAN!” he shouted at me.

            I looked away from him out the window at the forest. He was right, Josh and I had always had a bond…..and I hadn’t ever really believed he was dead….but it was delusional to think he was alive……but they never found the body…..he couldn’t have been thrown that far from the car….what if he had amnesia and was walking around Seattle with no memory of anyone….. No….this is why I hated seeing James…..he always encouraged these thoughts of delusion…..

            “James, he’s dead,” I whispered.

            “No, he’s not, come on, Ali, come to Seattle with me, we’ll find him, bring him back,” he begged.

            That’s when I lost it, “JAMES! I SPENT AN ENTIRE SUMMER WITH YOU LOOKING! MY PARENTS THOUGHT I WAS AT FREAKING CHURCH CAMP! HE’S NOT ALIVE! AND IF HE IS HE OBVIOUSLY DOES NOT WANT TO BE FOUND! DON’T YOU GET IT! I can’t take it…..it’s so much easier, believing he’s dead,” I sobbed, “That he isn’t suffering, that he isn’t lost…….He would have come back to me, like he promised if he was alive,” I whispered.

            James turned away from me tearing up remembering that summer of searching. That summer I lost my virginity. That summer that James and I…… “You haven’t changed at all since that summer, Ali…..” he whispered.

            I looked away squeezing my eyes shut, “What we did was wrong James, I was hurting, you were hurting, you looked like Josh……” I whispered.

            “Right, I looked like Josh, still blaming it on me looking like Josh, you know what I think, Ali? I think that you WANT him to be dead, because then you would never have to look him in the eye and tell him you slept with his twin brother,” he whispered.

            I choked back a sob at his harsh words, “Get out of my house, James,” I whispered.

            “My pleasure, hope you have fun fucking whatever guy dropped you off,” he hissed at me before stomping out of my room and slamming the door while I burst into tears picking up a picture of Josh, James, Lisa, and I and threw it across the room watching as it smashed into smithereens, just like our friendship.