Plan Heartbreak

Chapter 16

               Paul made me wait till the next day, before we left for Seattle. He had continued to tell me more about vampires and werewolves like himself, and I could tell there was still something he was leaving out, but he had already shared so much with me, I’d feel bad pleading for the one thing he hadn’t shared.

            The next morning I woke up and acted like I was getting ready for school and then told my parents that I was staying the weekend at Emily’s, so not to expect me home. I drove over to Emily’s after that to meet Paul, who looked very unsure of him self when I walked in.

            “You ready to go?” I asked hopefully.

            “Not really,” Paul mumbled, he had also tried to persuade me not to go….that the Josh I knew could be long gone……and it was possible that he was dead and it wasn’t him.

            I wasn’t going to be persuaded though, and I think he realized that which is how we ended up in his truck driving to Seattle in silence. “What are you going to tell him?” he whispered about an hour into the ride.

            “Everything,” I whispered my mind reeling in the mistakes I made, and wondering if he would even be able to look at me the same.

            “What do you want him to say to you?” he whispered.

            “That he….that he forgives me,” I whispered.

            “Forgives you? Ali you thought he was dead, of course he’ll forgive you, you were hurting,” Paul told me.

            I rolled my eyes, no one understood. They all said the same thing, James did though…..what we did was wrong. “You don’t get it, I promised him forever,” I whispered.

            “And he was dead,” he reminded me.

            “Doesn’t matter,” I told him.

            “So you’re saying that you plan on never falling in love, and just remaining faithful to his memory for the rest of your life even if you find him dead?” Paul asked sounding kind of pissed.

            “You don’t get it, Paul,” I said annoyed. He didn’t get it. Lisa didn’t get it. James didn’t get it. No one did. No one had ever understood me except Josh. I needed this.

            “What don’t I get, Ali? Please explain it to me, I’m trying to understand,” he whispered.

            I stared ahead, “I never let go, I still see his face everywhere, I’m mad at him that he thought it was alright to throw me to James and allow himself to be thrown from the car instead…… I want to yell at him, Paul. I want to yell at him to give me my heart back, he took it with him to the grave…… Every time I try to even think about moving on, I’m reminded of the beach, and him calling us the sand and ocean, or the tree where we carved our names in it. He promised he’d come back to me, and I know it’s delusional, but somehow these two years I keep hoping and praying he’ll come back for me,” I whispered.

            “And you don’t want anyone standing in your way when he does,” he whispered sounding hurt and I knew why. I wasn’t an idiot, Paul was in love with me, and wanted me to move on, so I could be with him. I loved Paul. I did….but he deserved someone who wasn’t only willing to give him half her heart. The other half would always belong to Josh, Paul knew that.

            “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

            “It’s okay, as long as I’m allowed to be in your life, I’m happy,” he whispered and it sounded like he was talking more to himself than me this time.

            The rest of the ride was silent till we arrived at the hotel, we moved our stuff into a room and sat on our beds…..it was still awkward from our talk in the car. “You’ll find someone else, Paul, someone that can give you her whole heart,” I whispered to him.

            “But you already have all of mine,” he whispered, “Just like Josh has all of yours,” he continued.

            I looked away and I felt him come sit next to me. “Just promise me something okay?” he whispered.

            I sighed looking at him, “Promise me, that no matter what happens this weekend, you won’t do anything because you feel like you have to, you will only do what truly makes YOU happy,” he told me.

            I looked at him weirdly, but nodded, “I promise,” I whispered.

            He pulled me into a tight hug then and we just stayed like that for a while him holding my pieces together. “Thank you for everything, Paul, I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me,” I whispered.

            “Anything for you,” he whispered and I felt his soft lips kiss my temple before letting go of me.

            We started to unpack our things and then headed out to lunch. Paul informed me that Josh wouldn’t be out now…..it was daytime and he’d sparkle. I questioned him on how I would even find him…. And Paul told me that if Josh wanted to see me like he said he did. He would find me.

            The rest of the day, Paul brought me around the city exploring, as we both pretended like it was just any other day out in Seattle together. We both knew it wasn’t though. We both knew that there was a very good possibility that I would be seeing my supposed to be dead boyfriend tonight at dinner.