kiwi || h.s [edited]

Chapter Nineteen

I stirred to the sunlight pouring through the gap between the blinds of the tacky motel I had decided to crash in. It had been at least a week since I arrived in New York. It felt so strangely familiar to be back in the concrete jungle that never rested. I had forgotten how unsettling the constant busyness could be when you are accustomed to the soothing sounds of ocean waves. I had spent the night before binging the most horrendously romantic dramas which was followed by an earth-shattering rendition of crying into an odd-smelling pillow.

The not-warm-enough water over the motel's shower melted the stiffness from my muscles as I had collapsed into the most awkward position after crying my eyes out. My grumbling stomach convinced me to cloth myself in something presentable and have a hearty-breakfast. No one talks about what an energy-drainer weeping can be. I knew exactly where I wanted to have breakfast. I had gone there every single day since my homecoming.

Coffee Cantina

Although so much had changed, the Cantina had remained bitterly consistent. Mackie, the chef, already had a hot plate of pancakes and a pot of the best coffee ready for me in the booth that always got the most light. Upon my first visit I had spent almost three hours in conversation with Mackie. She had pulled me into an incredible embrace that was followed by a hard smack against my arm for leaving so suddenly. I was drawn from my thoughts and delicious meal by the buzzing of my phone against my arm.

"Harry" I smiled to myself.

"You answered" He cheered happily.

"Yeah, sorry about that - I, it's been a lot being back" I explained, although not well.

"I understand, I just needed to know you were alive," He chuckled briefly. "So - how's it going?" He spoke again but this time with more hesitation in his voice. We had been texting quiet a bit but your words are never as honest or vulnerable as they were when you were actually talking.

"I'm not going to lie, it's been hard" I sighed as I scanned over the busy side walk.

"I'm a flight away if you need me," Harry said after a thoughtful pause.

"You're too kind but I can't expect that of you"

"Yes you can" He persisted. Harry was so intentional in everything that he did. And it was so comforting to know that he was choosing to care about me. That his kindness or interest in me was not swayed by something as fickle as his emotions. For all the shit life has dished me, I felt slightly touched that in between all the dirt, there were these flicks of gold scattered around.

"I watched the Notebook last night" I bit my bottom lip in an attempt to simmer the heat that rose to my cheeks.

"What! Without me? Did you cry?"

"Obviously I did! Oh my god, Allie and Noah deserved better" I should have known that opening the Notebook can would lead to an hour long discussion with Harry and it only ended because my phone had alerted me that I only had 10% battery left.

"Can, -" I swallowed hard. "Can I call you later?"

"I'll be waiting anxiously for your call" Sometimes Harry was too smooth and sweet for his own good and I adored it. I finished my icy breakfast before returning to the motel to change into an all-black attire. I gathered my engagement ring as well as the eulogy I had never thought I would ever find a use for. The cab ride to the cemetery was the most nerve-wrecking thing I had done since going to court all those years ago. It was a good our outside of New York where his family lived.

'Deep breaths,' I reminded myself as I walked through the mournful burial ground. And before I was ready, I saw his name Andrew Williams, glaring at me from the grey stone. I couldn't stop my legs from folding in and the next thing I knew, the cool ground sat comfortably beneath me. I remembered the day of his funeral. My decision to not attend was a selfish one but I didn't care. And I don't blame myself because two years later with my legs folded beneath me, the calamitous grief weighed on me just as tremendously as the guilt.