Only He knows

Chapter 8 Torn

Jamie POV

Have you ever been torn apart by your own emotions and insecurities? I sit here without a shred of hope that my situation will improve. I am stuck in the impossible. I love Dakota and want to be with her and I love my Dulcie and want to be a good father and husband so they wont suffer. Amelia well Amelia is a part of me for the rest of my life and as much as I want to say I dont love her because my decision would be that much easier. I cannot truthfully say I feel nothing for her. I once was in love with her but that fire is nearly extinguished. I feel for her because she is my wife and mother to my children but do I want to break her heart into a million pieces? The short answer is no. The longer version is a mixed-up jumble of shit that makes me want to gag. I dont know what to do and how to feel. I am numb. Dakota brings me light and Amelia is my stability. I like the new feeling of love I have and the way I experience things for the first time with her. She makes me feel alive. Part of me wants to kick my ass because I think it is a midlife crisis. But love like I have for her grew over time and wasnt a physical attraction at least not all that. When we started to film I thought she was pretty but what I found was her heart was the key to my heart. She pried mine open and filled it with love, compassion, tenderness, and strength. I grew protective of her because of how vulnerable and innocent she really was. I knew I had to be strong for the both of us. I am truly amazed at how well we get on. She completes my sentences and knows what I am thinking as do I. Amelia is a good wife and mother and requires little to nothing to be happy really. I mean she doesnt really like the fame and fortune that comes with being married to a movie star. She doesnt mind either but she is simple and happy in her music. She can get jealous at times but doesnt really do that at all. Millie and I have been married a while now and it is my stability in this crazy world. She never gave me that higher than life feeling that Dakota has but her love to me is sweet still and reserved. She just isnt Dakota. Can I live the rest of my life knowing I love someone else in order to keep my family? I will have to choose one or the other because neither one of them deserves my uncertainty. I promised myself this wouldnt change me or us but it has changed my very being. My soul is not the same person I once was and I am afraid that I dont recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror.

Dakota POV (Thoughts)

Living in hell. I am literally in hell. I have the perfect man about 30% of the time. I am a homewrecking bitch who deserves to suffer. I love him so much. Do I love him enough to give him up for good? Do I really feel like I can work with him for possibly another 2 movies without actually running into his arms and completely enveloping him in kisses? I really need to stop fucking with my own head. He cannot love me. He has a family, a life, a child. I will only suffer in the end when he chooses Amelia and Dulcie over me. I know what I have to do. After this filming wraps up I will have to end it with him. It will be the hardest thing I have ever done. I dont want to lose him. I need him so badly. What will I do without his presence. If I let him go I will have to live without him and never be able to repair my heart, but I give him the chance to be a good father and husband and never have to confess our relationship to his wife. To think I have spent time with them as a family. To think Amelia trusts me. I mean what was I thinking. I dont know but what I do know is what I feel when I am near him. The insatiable hunger that explodes from inside of me. My heart is whole when he is with me. Even when I have been with all of them I felt incredibly close to him. Like our soul were intertwined together. I just need to get through the next few days and soon it will all be over. Come post production, I will end it all. I have to hint at it soon though. I dont want to string him along.

Jamie POV

I walk over to a sleeping Dakota and realize that I have been selfish. I havent thought of how she would feel. I sit on the bed next to her and slide my hand up and down her back. She stirs and sleepily opens her eyelids. Hey, handsome, I smile like a Cheshire cat and she grabs ahold of my neck. We are incredibly close and I feel her breath on my lips. The attraction I feel towards her is so intense I could come in my pants just by being near her. I kiss her lips gently and look deeply into her eyes as if I were trying to read her soul. She seems sad. Like she is giving up on us. I cant help but feel the same way. Deep down inside I feel the separation slowly seeping into our relationship. If this is true I dont know whether to confront her or let this pass. Maybe I should just let this happen or unhappen organically and not meddle. I will not allow myself to ruin this just yet. Although I feel guilty I can hold on just a little longer. Dakota caught me in a trance and grabs my face in between both her hands. Her thumbs caressing my cheeks. I adore you Jamie!. I kiss her once more bringing her into me. She moans gently and holds onto my neck. I lay down next to her and cuddle with her. This time I just want to hold her because I am afraid that we will not be this close forever. I realize then that I am in love with this beautiful soul and I must do what is best for her and not myself. If I continue to string her along with no real intention I will break her. I do not want Dakota to measure every man after me, against me in a bad way. I dont want to be the plague of a man that destroyed her heart and made her hate all men. I love her too much to do that. How long can I keep up all of this weighing on my heart?

Jamie and Dakota Thoughts

We have to figure this out..