My Professor's Secret

12|

twelve
306 days before wedding

With November and all the major holidays approaching, Chris and I were desperate in the search of finding a way home to celebrate with our dad. The words remained unspoken amongst the three of us, but truthfully, we couldn't deny how crucial being together during this time was.

We were all suppressing our emotions for the sake of each other's wellbeing while juggling the reality that our mother wouldn't be there to celebrate with us.

During our usual phone conversations, Dad attempted to mask how difficult the loss weighed on him in order to console me. I don't even think he realized just how much his own emotional neglect was affecting him, but whenever I confronted him about it, he insisted it was under control.

I, on the other hand, dove into a journal and picked up every available extra shift at work to avoid another downward spiral pertaining to the five stages of grief.

Most days were easy to maneuver; work, school, eat, repeat. As long as I kept moving, I didn't have to think. That was the trick. Stay busy long enough and maybe the quiet wouldn't catch up to me.

Allowing myself even a sliver of stillness felt dangerous because I knew exactly where my mind would take me if I let it.

I had clawed my way out of it once after losing my mom, and the thought of slipping back into it again was enough to keep me busy, even when I was exhausted. Because the truth was, I didn't trust myself in that kind of silence anymore. Not after the last time.

Somewhere between classes, work, and pretending everything was fine, I had convinced myself that if I just kept going, I wouldn't have to sit with the reality of what this holiday season actually meant.

No matter how hard I tried to ignore it, though, it lingered.

This would be the first one without her.

On Saturday morning, I found myself hovering over the stove at Hinkhouse in place of Josh while he handled an issue concerning his apartment. His details were minuscule and I didn't want to pry, so I agreed to pick up his shift, plus Professor Thornton was there. Besides seeing him during the two classes he taught, our work schedules virtually never crossed each other.

When Professor Thornton came in this morning, he looked as if the world was working against him. His hair was sprawled in every direction and there was a damp red stain ruining our usual crisp white uniformed apron. He hauled ass directly to the employee lounge until emerging with a fresh apron and looking like his usual kept self.

That's when he noticed me.

Not in the way he normally would. Not with the brief acknowledgment he gave every other employee when walking in. This was different. It was quicker than that. A glance that landed and moved just as fast, like lingering any longer would've required an explanation neither of us wanted to give.

He turned away almost immediately and headed toward his work station.

"Rough morning?"

Professor Thornton pivots towards me on the soles of his feet, his eyes more sluggish than I was used to. "Huh?" he pauses, nodding and pressing his lips together before speaking. "Oh, yeah. My daughter had a full blown meltdown this morning. Clearly I was the target of her aggression," he ends with a humorless laugh. "No Josh?"

He may have thought I was oblivious to him wanting to avoid any type of conversation with me. Even in class the only time we spoke to each other was when he was explaining something to me during the lesson.