Safe With Me

|17|

•Nico•

Cold.

All I feel is cold. Like the sun will never shine again. I don't cry, my tears are dried up. Instead I sit in silence.

It has been two days and I miss him as much as when he first left. His hoodie is permanently hugging my body, filling my nose with his smell, but not his warmth.

I pull up the sleeves and look at my wrists. Faded pink lines run across my forearms. I won't cut. If Will taught me anything, it's that I can't degrade myself. I can't destroy my body in hopes that it will numb my mind.

A breakup is not worth further scarring. Even if it was with Will. I shake my head and stand up, walking to my closet. I got dressed in running shorts and a pullover, not caring that it was February.

I pulled on my shoes and jogged up the stairs. Hazel was asleep on the couch using Cerberus as a pillow. I smiled at the two of them and patted Cerberus's head before covering Hazel up with a blanket. I wrote a note telling where I was going and stuck it to the refrigerator. Hazel always gets hungry when she wakes up.

Stepping outside, I closed the door behind me and jogged down my driveway. I looked at the spot where my dad's cruiser normally was. We got a call yesterday, he was fine, but he had to stay where he was for the trial of the guy he caught.

A breath caught in my throat as I looked across the street at the yellow house. Will's house.

My head had been going under, and he threw me a lifeline. But the waves got too big and he left, though I couldn't blame him. Drowning had always scared me too. The water was dark and cold, secrets blurring in the ocean spray.

I really couldn't blame him for anything, he ran away from my problems. Hell, I'd been doing the same thing for years.

The worst part was that I wanted to tell him, I still want to tell him, so badly it hurts. But I really care about him and he's better off not knowing .

I hadn't realized I was running until I saw houses pass. I ran and ran and ran. Before I knew it I was in the heart of the city. I weaved in and out of  crowds, mumbling a sorry when I ran into someone.

I kept going, each mile putting me further from my problems.

One mile. What homework?

Two miles. What breakup?

Three miles. What pain?

Four miles. What cold and sadness?

Five. Will who?

I ran up the driveway drenched in sweat. Hazel was awake when I walked in, but still in the same position of snuggling with our huge ass dog. "Where have you. . ." She yawned. "Been?"

Flicking a piece of hair out of my face I said,"I went for a run."

"How far?" She asked. "Bout five or six miles." "Are you okay Nico?" Hazel questioned. I shrugged,"I mean, yes and no. I miss him, a lot. But it's not that kind of missing him. Hazel I wouldn't do that to you. You have had enough tragedy without your brother committing suicide. I promise I'm not going anywhere." 

She smiled,"I'd hug you, but you're all gross."

"Fair enough."

•

Water poured down on me and all of my thoughts returned to my head. I wanted to sing, it helps me forget, but Hazel was home. I don't even sing around her.

So I let myself think, even though it made my heart ache and my stomach twist.

I got out of the shower and got dressed. When I walked upstairs Hazel was pulling on her coat. "I'm headed out Nico, I'm getting picked up by Reyna." "Bye Haze, be safe."

A few minutes after the door closed I came very close to calling him. I wanted to rip the lid off my jar of secrets, dump them all out and explain everything.

But I didn't.

At least I know I have willpower.

I shuffled down the stairs, where the whole level of the house was my bedroom, aside from the crawl space. Something went off in my brain and I had a sudden want to get something from it.

I propped open the tiny wooden door and got on my hands and knees. After pulling the string that turns the single lightbulb on, I crawled into the small space. My hand closed around the case's handle and I slid it out of the crawl space.

After I shut the lightbulb off and closed the door I set the case on my bed and sat down next to it. The locks clicked and I pulled out a black and gray guitar. I started playing when I was ten, it had helped me deal with grief.

I still play, I just hadn't much since the school year started.

I strummed the guitar and it mindlessly turned into a song I knew oh so very well.

"This is gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
The gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven't seen the best of us yet
If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
This is gospel for the vagabonds,
Ne'er-do-wells, insufferable bastards
Confessing their apostasies
Led away by imperfect impostors
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Don't try to sleep through the end of the world
Bury me alive
'Cause I won't give up without a fight
If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
'Cause these words are knives that often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
The fear, the fear of falling apart
Oh, the fear of falling apart
Oh, the fear, the fear of falling apart
Oh (This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
Oh (This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
Oh (This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart
Oh (This is the beat of my heart)
The fear of falling apart."

Wow look I actually updated! So I know not much happens here, but at least I have an idea for the next chapter. So let me know whatcha think, love you always, and thanks! BY THE WAY THE OTHER DAY I SAW THAT THIS BOOK HIT 10k AND I THINK I DIED. SO THATS COOL, THANKS. -Morgan💖