His own way of coping

1) Finding out

So as I said this is quite angsty and serious stuff. So you have been warned. ;) Also, I try to keep this as short as I can as this was initially an idea for a one shot of a friend of mine, but there's no way you can tell a story like that in a one shot. Oh, and I am obviously not a doctor, so sorry for any mistakes in that matter. Remember, it's all fiction. :)

Hope you enjoy it - xx

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Ant stumbled out of the hospital and walked over to his car as quickly as possible. He sat himself behind the steering wheel and shut the door. And that was when he broke down. He had pulled himself together in front of the doctors but now he wasn't able to anymore.

But he didn't cry. Anthony McPartlin wasn't one to cry over such things, one could count on the fingers of one hand how much he had cried over sad things in his life. He was a strong man, he always had been and he always had to be. Although, right now he felt anything but strong. He managed to keep the tears in but that was about it. Inside he was struggling very hard.

He thought about Lisa's suggestion to take her with him but he had refused and now he regretted it. He could do with someone by his side right now. At the same time though he wanted to disappear off the face of the earth and never come back. And he knew he shouldn't be driving but he just wanted to go home and curl up. So he drove off and he didn't know how he managed to get home safely in the end as his mind was far away from concentrating on the road.

The same word went through his head, again and again. Glioblastoma. What an ugly word.

When he arrived back home, he stayed in the car for another hour, staring out of the window without really knowing where he even looked at. His mind went dizzy with all the thoughts rushing through it. At the same time, he couldn't think straight, he couldn't grab a single one of those thoughts and think about it properly. He was just numb and at the same time he was freaking out. He let his head fall back and sighed loudly once again.

Glioblastoma. Ant hadn't even listened to the doctors properly but he knew what it meant in the end. He sighed loudly and punched against the steering wheel in exasperation.

This couldn't be true. He was fine, he was absolutely fine. Well, apart from those headaches, but they were just headaches, nothing more. It couldn't be that it was that serious, it just couldn't. He absolutely couldn't get his head around this, there was no way he could digest all of this right now. Nevertheless, he took an effort in trying to think straight, but he wasn't able to. He had to deal with this, he knew that, but he had absolutely no idea how.

He looked out of the window once again and stared at the plane tree in front of their house. They had planted it when they had moved in and it had grown and blossomed over the years. 'What a beautiful thing nature is' Ant thought and sighed loudly. This just couldn't be true, it just couldn't. He let his head fall against the steering wheel and breathed heavily, but after some time, he regained his composure a bit and unbuckled himself.

He finally stepped out of the car and walked towards the door. When he opened it, Lisa immediately came rushing to his side and hugged him tightly. Ant tried to suppress the tears again and he managed to hold back most of them, but a few were dropping down onto his cheeks nevertheless. Lisa took him by his arm and ushered him to the living room. She sat him down on the sofa and went to get him a tissue, then sat herself beside him, took his hand afterwards and smiled encouragingly at him.

"You take a deep breath now and tell me what they said" Lisa said gently and stroked Ant's hand with her thumb.

Ant turned his head and looked at her, his eyes starting to fill up with tears again. He held them back as best as he could and then whispered, barely audible: "Two months, Lisa. They gave me two months."

The worst thing was that Ant knew it was his own fault. He had had those headaches and episodes of dizziness for months and he hadn't done anything about it. He had taken painkillers as everyone would have and had put it down to the stress he and Dec had had over the last weeks and months with the BGT auditions and SNT live on air. He had postponed this bloody visit to the doctor again and again until now. And now it was too late.

Inoperable. Another word that flooded around in his head. He had this thing in his head and they couldn't get it out because if they tried he would die, it was as simple as that. Reality hit him hard when he realised that he would die one way or the other and he buried his head into his hands again.

This couldn't be real. It just couldn't. He jumped off the sofa before Lisa had even said anything and stormed upstairs and locked himself up in the bedroom. He leaned back against the door once it was shut and sighed loudly.

This just couldn't be true. What about his life he wanted to live on? What about his wife he would leave behind? What about his family? What about his best friend? At that thought, reality hit him once again.

Declan. This particular name and the face belonging to this person roamed around in his mind all the time by now. His best friend, his soulmate, his everything. Dec had been there from the start, they had gone through everything together up until now. They couldn't part, they just couldn't. Ant couldn't leave him behind. What the bloody hell should Dec do without him? He didn't mean that in a selfish kind of way, but in a loving one. They had always been together. Always.

I will die. Another thought that occupied his head now as he realised that this always would be cut short, and it would be cut short brutally. He would die and he would die soon.

Anthony McPartlin wasn't one to cry but in that moment he felt his whole world come crashing down at him and he collapsed onto the floor right behind the door and started to sob. And in that same moment he thought he could never stop crying again.

He couldn't cope with this.