His own way of coping

8) Worse

A whole week passed by and Ant hadn't heard anything from Dec. In a way he was glad about that because it was what he wanted, it was what he had planned from the beginning. Yes, he had pushed him away, but only because he didn't want to hurt him, he didn't want to raise his hopes, he wanted him to hate him so that he could cope better with everything.

Anthony didn't want Declan to fall for him and be with him only to realise that he would lose him after a short amount of time. He wanted him to keep the memory of their holiday together forever and he didn't want him to remember him as miserable and ill.

Declan was the most important person in his life and he wanted him to be safe and he knew he wouldn't be able to cope with his illness and sooner or later he would have witnessed it if Ant had kept him close. So he had pushed him away and that was because he loved him.

Of course, he was also sad that he wasn't able to see Dec anymore. They had been so close again, even before their little trip and to lose that now was hard on Ant. But he knew it had been the right choice, so he suppressed the urge of texting Dec and making up for what had happened or even asking how he was doing. He knew it would only do more damage. He had to stick to his plan, he had thought this through very thoroughly.

Lisa had noticed that something had happened between them of course and she had pestered him with questions but Ant didn't give anything away. He had always been honest to Lisa but this was the last thing they needed. He knew he couldn't hurt her in that way, not now. And he loved her, he really did, it was just different. So Lisa tried her best to cheer him up and they had had another serious talk about his funeral with the lovely lady from the funeral parlour and had everything prepared.

One thing that was left to do was arranging everything that would happen after his death and organise his heritage. So he had an appointment with a lawyer the next day. Lisa was at work at the moment, Ant had insisted that she would go there as he had something else important to do.

The video messages.

He had thought about it a few days after he had gotten his diagnosis. He knew he was going to die and therefore he owed his people a message. He did this out of one reason: he wanted to let them know how much he loved them. He wanted to help them and remember them of him so that they could always have something to look at.

He started with his sister Sarha and he was so nervous after he had set the camera up. He had postponed this to the very last minute as he felt it getting worse and worse. He had had his doctor's appointment the day before and it hadn't been good news. His tumour was massive by now and his medication dose way too high and the dizziness didn't even stop anymore, despite the pills. So he knew he had to do this now.

He took a deep breath and pressed 'record'.

"Hey sis" he started. "It's very weird to say that but when you are about to see this I won't be around anymore. Please, don't be mad at me for not telling you... I know you and you'll feel guilty for not spending time with me" he chuckled and giggled tearfully. He had planned to stay positive but he was happy with whatever he came up with. He went on about how she should enjoy her life and tell his nieces and nephews stories about their crazy uncle Ant who had alwaysbeen up to mischief and then he told her how much he loved her and a tear fell down his cheek although it was only a fucking camera he was talking to.

This would be one hell of a day.

Declan lay in bed and stared at his phone. He hadn't heard anything from Ant all week and in a way he was glad about that and he knew it only made sense after he had yelled at him and had told him to back off.

But his mind always wandered back to those two nights in the hotel room and he couldn't believe that it had been the same Ant back then. His Ant he knew for ongoing 30 years. His Ant who had always been by his side. And his Ant who had massively screwed up.