The Silent Ones

The Long Road

I dont want you to call me
I dont want to fight
To hear your voice crack
through the blown out speakers
on my broken phone
The headphone jack used to ruin my ear drums in hopes the pounding would drown out
your dissapointment in me

I dont want your letters
I dont want to smudge your desperate words with the blood that still drips from my teeth
and tears that water
the garden you left behind
To freeze and break under the snow
Like your tattooed wings
Cutting my hands
As I go to save you
From the lions and floods
of what used to be
your childhood home

I dont want your cloths
A never ending road of smells
I will never be able to replicate
A style that reins supreme
And burned with your polaroid camera.
A time I'll never know
When your heart wasn't broken
And muscles were strong
And you had yet to go wrong

I dont want your photographs
Leaving ideas of who I wanted you to be and how you used to believe
That life had more to offer you then
A man standing in your door way late at night
And turning into a little girl in your doorway late at night
Turning into an empty doorway as I walk into what used to be our home

I dont want your apologies
I did the only thing I knew to do
Which was to love you
And you ruined any idea I had
Of what it means to be a woman
What it means to be a mother
what it means to be a daughter
what it means to be your daughter

I dont want your name
A lineage of drugs and suicide
To curse the blood that runs through my veins
I dont want your hands to always clasp my throat and walk me down the hallway to the bathroom
Where I hid when you drank a little too much as I tried to stop you
And mom
I dont want your paintings
Or books
Or postcards
Or shoes
Or journals
Or nightmares
Or realities

I dont want you to tell me how sorry you are that one time you threatened to kill me and I thought you would
And I dont want Your jewelry
I dont want to wear the pearls you wore on your wedding day
To mark a marriage only consecrated because of a kid you never really wanted
I dont want your ear rings
To constantly scratch my neck
Every time I try to show the world
That I can be what they need me to be

I dont want your hands
For my bones to curve inward
As if to say I can only depend on myself
I dont want your car
The hollows of a back seat you used to trap me in as the stench of vodka soaked my hair And made people suspicious as to whether I was going to be just like my mother
Or worse.