The Silent Ones

The Past

"forgive the past and let it die"

But leaving the past is like declaring bankruptcy

I have nothing left

I have given it away

I lost the good and the bad

for a chance at a future, that nobody can guarantee me.

I will continue to loose everything to the past

When I think its time to buy into a new dream

a new future

the past will come clawing

I resist rest. I fight the dreams

these are no dreams my friends

these are shadows that follow at my back:

the stained and bloody carpets

my mothers eyes. awake. drunk. fuming. bloody. teary. closed.

I remember the bathroom floor

the smell of the toilet.

hiding my bloody legs under the covers.

tears filling my mouth as I swallow the sounds that I made

that he made

that will haunt me even now

like the hours that I spent waiting for her to come home

the days I spent in an empty house alone

7 years old

8 years old

11 years old

15 years old

18 years old

don't be a pussy

you might have been molested but it only happened once

you might have been beat every day for 7 years, but at least you were more grown then I was

you might have been raped by 4 different men. more then 4 times. but you might be lying

You might have had to hide in the bathroom and get drunk in the shower

praying that she would go away

or that she would come home

or that the neighbors wouldn't call the cops after the 3rd time fist fighting with her on the front lawn.

15 years old

but you didn't pray. you begged and begging is for Pussies.

and there ain't no God here for you anyways girl

"Forgive the Past"

"let it die"

But I belong to the past old man

I am still sitting on the kitchen floor, aged 8 waiting for someone to see me

to give me the right tools. to deal with this shit.

Or at least some fucking food.

A simple hug.

I am still locked in that bathroom. throwing up in the toilet thinking about him.

struck ill by the memory of his face. of his hands.

Worried that she was dead

or being raped.

I saved her from being raped once. I put my sister to bed and went to bed my self

14 years old

she came home at 3 AM with a man. she was incoherent. she was gone.

and he was on top of her and I was on top of him with a baseball bat.

"don't be a pussy"

I'm no pussy. I wasn't a pussy when I dragged him out of my house by his legs

I was no pussy When I carried her to the bathroom and held her hair and gagged her over the toilet.

I was no pussy when I put my naked, almost dead fucking mother into bed and went back to sleep.

Don't compare your trauma to mine.

Don't compare your heart break to mine.

I lost a sister to cancer

I'm loosing my mother to a different kind of sickness.

I'm loosing myself to the past

But if I declare bankruptcy

Will I be better or worse?

I couldn't kill the past, even if I wanted to.

because I've still got scars on my hips

and disassociation in my head

and my lungs are filled with shame

and my hands still shake, even when I'm asleep

I cant kill the past, because Its apart of me

and if You don't get it.

then you've never seen a life like the one I lead.