Rantings of a Broken One-Sided Love Affair

Uncertainty

Hey, how are you?

I'm at a loss for words. I wrote this before even thinking of a title for it.

Just sad because, I don't know. Maybe I miss you, or maybe I know for a fact that I won't go anywhere with what I'm feeling.

I always wish you can hear me. I dreamed about you last night. Well, I have dreamed about you a lot of times already. It doesn't matter what happens in them- all that matters is that you're in them.

Right now, my emotions are stabilizing. I'm loosening up, though I still find myself infatuated with you. I am still unable to look you straight in the eye, no matter how hard I try. I'm always the first one to look away. But really, I'm okay now. But I don't know. Am I predictable? Can you tell what my next move will be? What I will do? What I'm thinking?

I kind of hate myself for writing these letters, like I'm not even myself anymore. How physically, I try to look in control when in my heart and in my mind, chaos ensues. I feel so vulnerable in my letters. Do you know you're the one I'm talking about in these letters when you look at me? Do you even remember just a part of what I say, or forget the words but just feel the emotions?

I feel blood rushing to my face everytime I catch you looking at me. I feel hope, pity, guilt, happiness, and sadness, all at the same time. In my mind, I find myself how it will be between you and me. But when I realize how you and I differ in most ways, it gives me a reason to stay away from you, to try and forget what I feel for you. About how my happiness can't be your happiness, about how I can't find the way you spend your free time fascinating... I don't know. Maybe I just find my joy somewhere else, like hot chocolate, soft music and rain, like yoga, like nights alone and meditation, and like how I hate people and attracting attention. Like how I prefer to be left alone. Thinking how opposite we are in every aspect helps me forget.

Yet, still, I find myself fallen for you. I did everything to help myself let you go. Maybe I just don't want to, or maybe there's an invisible force preventing me from doing so, because everytime I find letting you go easy for me, I feel all emotions at the same time, and it brings me back at one.

As long as I do what I always do, it'll be okay, right?

Please stay behind me. Please catch me, and cut the thread tied from my heart to yours.

I may not look like it, but you still got me. You still have my heart.