Rantings of a Broken One-Sided Love Affair

I Won't Hold You Back

Hey, its been a while, I hope you still remember.

I've been doing a lot of stuff lately and I'm still trying my best to forget you, but I really hate to admit that I really fell for you. And it hurts to realize that I now I get jealous over everyone you say "I miss you" or "I love you" with, or to anyone you take pictures together with. Why does it have to be this way? Is it your way of toying with people, or is it just you, do you feel the same as I do, or are you in pain too, just as much as I am?

I try to be contented with just speaking to you, to make it appear that everything is just a mixture of sweet nothings, that my life is perfect the way it is. That you do everything you do to me to a lot of people. But why is it so hard for me? I hate the way I feel. When you talk to me, I want to hate it. When you look me in the eye, I try my hardest not to look away. I can't stand it. It melts my entirety. I don't wanna be stupid, but I already am. I don't want you to see just how deep in my bones this feeling is getting.

I don't know what to say anymore. I want to forget whatever I'm feeling for you right now. The feeling of missing you, of longing for you. Of wanting to know what you are doing, are you alright? What are you thinking? Do you know that I feel all alone, wishing that you're thinking of me as well?

Why am I hurting when I shouldn't even be? I know I have no right to feel this way, but it feels so good it hurts like hell. I want to forget ever feeling this way. I wish I didn't.

Each time I see you, I remember how I used to think about you, how you made me swoon for the longest time, about how you cared and talked to me before everything like you really meant it. It was just a game. I cherish every moment I get to spend with you, and I want it to last for as long as I can. But there are moments I can't stand it, I wanna give up but I just can't, I just don't know what's holding me back. Is it the memories? Is it the happiness? Is it how you make me chase after you, even if I should focus on something else? I can't, I just can't. I was an empty shell, and you filled me up, and it matters.

I am trying to reach for a hand that just keeps endlessly slipping from my grasp. I tried to capture the wonder of stardust in the palm of my hand, but they are just tiny specks of happiness that leaves bittersweet memories when I try to let them go.

I love the happiness, I hate the sadness, but I want to hold on.

I wanna hang on, since I met you.

You have my heart, you still do.