So last weekend I was hanging out with my friend Ronnie. We were watching Sliding Doors (amazing movie, btw) and eating popcorn/drinking soda. We had gone to the dollar store beforehand and each gotten a two liter bottle. Drinking two liters of soda usually ends with having to use the restroom on multiple occasions.
When using the restroom, people may knock. Of my years being a functioning human that uses a restroom, I've never known what to say in the situation.
"I'm in here"
"Occupied"
"One sec"
But there is no social norm of what to say.
So this time, when my friend's brother knocked, I panicked and made easily the most disturbing noise I have ever heard come from a person. It sounded similar to a goose having sex with a lampshade while on fire and trying to eat frozen steak because everybody knows exactly how that sounds.
Also in my state of panic, I ended up throwing the nearest object at the door just in case he could not hear my incredibly lovely noise. As a human who checks their phone on the toilet, this happened to be the closest object.
I threw my phone at a door because I had screamed while pooping in fear that a teenage boy would make eye contact with me.
Ow.
Another thing to add about Ronnie is that their family really likes marble. They are probably involved in some marble cult, but that is beside the point. Anyway, the doorframe in the bathroom is made of marble.
Marble is hard
I have bad aim
Glass breaks easily
Phones have glass
Oh boy.
Explaining to Ronnie what happened was the most embarrassing experience due to the fact that we were home alone. No parents, no brother, just Ronnie and I.
So apparently, Ronnie has a cat that was never mentioned in any conversation whatsoever and enjoys furiously pawing at the bathroom door.
And so I broke my phone because I threw it at a marble door frame while pooping because I mistook a cat for a 16 year old boy
Ow
I now understand why Dani hates cats.
And to postpone my dad finding out about this, I decided that by all costs I would sleep over at Ronnie's.
It gets worse and more awkward
I fetch my phone and text him about sleeping over . He says yes, but he assumed Ronnie was female.
Ronnie is non binary, and my dad is VERY transphobic.
He had never met them, and if he were to pick me up in the morning, he would likely see Ronnie or figure it out.
And so after I slept over, Ronnie and I spent the next day together. We live on opposite sides of town, so we can't walk to each others houses. I would need to be picked up somewhere.
I ended up spending nearly 34 hours with them. My dad picked me up from a park near Ronnie's and asked no questions regarding Ronnie's gender. But the second I closed the car door.
"Avery."
"Yeah?"
"Would you care to explain anything?"
I hate that question. Multiple times I have accidentally confessed something that i could've gotten away with otherwise. If you are ever trapped in this situation, a good reply is
"Could you be more specific?"
Works like a charm.
I did have to suffer the yelling of the phone, but I didn't get yelled at for Ronnie's gender identity at all.
Yay.
L E S S O N
DONT THROW YOUR PHONE AT CATS KIDS
