Just a College Girl (girlxgirl) (Book 2)

Useless

This is killing me. I thought I felt useless before.

The constant beeping of the heart rate monitor keeps hitting my ears, comforting me and driving me nuts at the same time.

Being here with her like this has introduced a whole new level of feeling useless to my life. There's nothing I can do. No way for me to make it better, or change it, or do anything other than sit here and feel useless. Every part of me is screaming at me to do something other than sit here, and I can't. I've been sitting here almost every minute of every hour of every day for the past six weeks, fighting the urge to go out and hit something for what happened to her. The more I fight it, the more I feel it. Every second I spend sitting here watching over Faith for the moment when she finally wakes up is a second that makes everything worse.

It's just not fair. Why does she have to be in a coma? Why can't she just wake up and be okay? Maybe it's not the same kind of coma that she was in before, the doctors had to put her under with some sort of drugs so she could recover, but it's still a coma. She's still unconscious for however long it's going to take. And what's worse is that the doctors can't even tell me how long that's going to be. They just keep saying that she's making progress every day and to hope for the best. I've been hoping for the best for six weeks now and I'm getting tired of it. All I want is for Faith to wake up and for everything to be okay. But it's not happening.

Every day I come in here, and every day she's still sleeping. I hate that I have to leave her every night when visiting hours are over. Whenever I leave here, I get this feeling that if I leave her she's gonna wake up and I'm not going to be here for it. I need to be here when she wakes up. I need to know that she's all right. Not being here for her would make me completely insane. How's she going to feel if she wakes up and there's no one here for her? It happened once before way back in Sunnydale, I don't want it to happen to her again. We're together now. We're together and we're in love. She doesn't have to be alone ever again and neither do I.

As long as I'm still breathing, she won't be. I'll be here when she wakes up. If I have to KILL the hospital staff to be here, I will. Faith means everything to me. She's my whole world. I don't know what I'd do if she never wakes up. If we never got to be together again like we've been for the last year. Our whole relationship has been incredible. Sometimes, I feel like Faith's the only one who really, truly understands me and how I feel. The only one who knows what I need and actually gives it to me, no matter what it is. Whether it's comfort, or space, or help with a problem I'm having. Faith's always there and she never tries to tell me what she thinks is better for me unless it's gonna get me hurt or something.

For the millionth time since coming here today, I reach out and gently squeeze her hand, hoping that she'll wake up and squeeze it back. Nothing happens.

But she's not here to do that for me now. She's not here to kiss me and hold me and tell me that it's all going to work out. Because she's lying in this bed, unconscious and not moving. Hooked up to all these machines that are keeping her alive long enough for her to recover, for however long that will take. And there's nothing I or anyone else can do to change that. I'm useless. Useless and completely alone.

Just then, the door slowly opens and I don't even turn around to see who it is, because I don't care.

"Hey Dawn, has there been any change?"

What the hell kind of stupid question is that? Does it look like there's been any change? Can't she just look at Faith and see what's changed? Nothing...

All I do is sigh, which Buffy takes as her cue.

"Not so much eh?"

Silence hits the room for a short stretch.