Just a College Girl (girlxgirl) (Book 2)

Reprieve

Faith's POV

Wow, that was hard.

I keep making my small uncertain circles on the floor as I fail to pace back and forth with any kind of pattern.

So much of that funeral was hard on so many levels.

Stopping for a second, I run my hands through my hair with frustration before going back to it.

I've never been a fan of funerals. They never really made sense to me. Lots of people have trouble with funerals, but I never understood what makes them such a good thing. You're supposed to feel better. About the people you've come to honor and mourn, about the idea that both your life and theirs have meaning and purpose, and yourself. But I've never been able to feel that way about it.

No matter how much I try, I always feel like it's a waste of so much life left to live... probably because I came so close to losing my chance at it more than a few times when I was their ages. They were all so young. There was so much left for them to experience. So much they could've done with their lives besides die in battle the way they did. But they'll never get the chance to do that now. How am I supposed to feel good about that? It doesn't make sense.

A couple years back, I didn't feel that way. It used to be that I didn't understand funerals because I didn't think life really mattered all that much. People die. It's a reality of the world. It's not something you can control or stop or change. Not really. I can save as many lives as possible and then I can save twice as many, but eventually they're all going to die somehow, so why even bother? How does honoring someone who died make a difference in that? But that was before I had something worth living for.

That was before I had friends, and people like Angel who are closer to me than friends, almost family. Before Angel showed me that life was worth living and worth fighting for whether we understand it or not. And it was before Dawn too. She gives me so much of a reason to keep going and enjoy life. She's always had such a positive, beautiful outlook on everything that I couldn't help wanting to protect it for her to enjoy... for us to enjoy together.

Tired of pacing, I walk over to my couch and sit down on it, hanging my head while I do.

Except now I'm not so sure that is gonna happen. Breaking up with someone kinda makes sharing a life together with them harder. I love her so much. She makes me so happy. I've never been with someone who makes me feel the way she makes me feel. But it's not right for me to hold her back from having the kind of life that I know I can never really have, the kind that I can never give to her. I know I did the right thing for her by breaking up with her when I did, but I'm never really sure if I did the right thing for me.

What if there was another way? What if we could still be together and she could still have the life she deserves? I don't know how it would, but if it could, maybe it's better. Maybe it's better than this hole I keep feeling inside me because I know we're not together anymore. It might not work out though. And if it didn't, I would only end up hurting Dawn more than I already have. I've done enough hurting her for a lifetime. I gave her more than a couple mixed signals since we broke up, and more would only do more damage.

It's why I didn't look at Dawn through the whole funeral. I didn't want her to get the impression that I was questioning my decision to break up with her at all. I know she would've seen that in my eyes if I'd looked over at her, and I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't give her hope for us if I wasn't sure I wanted her back yet. That would be worse than getting back with her and having it fall apart. She deserves better than that.