Since youve been gone

Chapter 9

***There is self harm in this chapter. It may be triggering to some people.****

Tristan's P.O.V

I took a deep breath but held eye contact with her. She was confused and probably scared.

"Umm okay, whats going on?" her voice was kinda shaky

"Alright well I don't really know how to start. So I'm just going to show you and explain after but you have to promise not to freak out," I said slowly.

"What do you mean? I can't promise but I'll try."

I looked down at my wrists and took my bracelets off. Now she could see the fresh scars that covered most of my wrists. I heard her suck in a breath and she lifted my arms so she could see them better. Then she looked at me with a few tears on her cheeks.

"Why? When did you-

She couldn't finish because she broke down crying.

"Why didn't you tell me!" she screamed "I could have tried to help!"

I tried to calm her down but after 10 minutes of her screaming at me I became frustrated too.

"You couldn't have helped me! I don't want help! I actually wasn't going to tell you but my mom found out this morning and I figured you deserved to know! You said you would try not to freak out!" I yelled.

"I said that before you showed me! I didn't think it would be this serious!"

"Well if you actually paid attention to me you would notice-"

"If I paid attention to you? Did you really just say that? I've been worried sick about you, I knew something was wrong but I felt like if I asked it would end up with us fighting but that doesn't matter now because we're fighting anyways!"

"That's bullshit Alexis and you know it! If you cared enough you would ask no matter what!"

"Stop being so selfish!"

"You know what, I'm done with this. I'm going home."

"I turned and left her room, I didn't feel like explaining this to my parents so I just started walking home, well my original plan was to walk home but I ended up going to the caves. I knew Alexis show up in a little bit so I didn't stay very long. It was almost 1 am anyways. I didn't really want to go home because I knew that if I did I would end up doing something stupid. I went home anyways. As soon as I got home I ran to my room, I grabbed my razor and made 5 new cuts. Not deep enough to seriously hurt me but enough to make my arm numb. The blood came up in a thin red then then started to trickle down my arm. After a few more seconds I couldn't feel my arm.

I looked around my bathroom an I started thinking about everything that happened today. I knew they hated me by the way they looked at me after they found out. I mean I probably would hate me too, more than I already do. Who can love someone who hates themselves and wants to die. That's the one thought that's stuck in my head.

'I cut myself and I want to die'

I never thought I would be the one saying that. I've always been happy and carefree but I guess that changed some time within this past year.

I sat down in the cold file floor and cried until my phone went off. I sniffed a little trying to stop the tears so I could read the text.

I checked the time as I opened my message. It's now 2am and the message was from Alexis.

ALEXIS:

'I'm sorry I freaked out on you. It was just a lot to take in and I know it's harder for you because you didn't want anyone to know. Thank you for trusting me and finally telling me. I know it takes time. I'll give you as much time as you need but please don't shut me out because of earlier. I'm hear for you no matter what.'

I read it about 5 times and I was about to read it again when another text came in.

ALEXIS:

'btw I'm at the caves.'

By now I had stopped crying and calmed down a bit. She made me feel a little better by saying that. I decided Togo down to the caves because we need to talk about this in person. I took a deep breath and responded.

TRISTAN:

'Alright thanks, I'll meet you there in a few minutes.'

I grabbed a jacket so I could cover up my new cuts and then I snuck out. When I got there she was sitting with her feet dangling over the edge of the main cave. She turned around and smiled.

"Thanks for coming. I'm sorry for what I said earlier. You asked me not to freak out yet I still did. I didn't mean to," she whispered.

"I'm fine now, I forgive you." I took a few steps forward do I could sit next to her. She leaned her head on my shoulder and after a few moments she spoke up.

"When did you start doing....this?" she asked.

"About 2 or 3 weeks ago I believe."

"Why?"

This was the fourth time I've been asked that within the past 24 hours and I still didn't know how to answer. I answered anyways.

"Well lately I've been hearing these voices. They're always telling me that I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve to be here. The past few weeks I've started to believe them and it just keeps getting worse." I admitted.

She just nodded her head letting me know she was listening.

"I don't really know how to explain it. I'm just not happy anymore. I haven't told anyone any of this and I think that's why its so bad now, because I've kept it in all this time. Now, in my mind, the only way to fix it is by hurting myself. I know it's wrong and I shouldn't do it but the voices tell me I deserve it. Do I sound crazy?"

She chuckled a little bit and that's when I realized she had been crying. I wrapped my arm around her and started rubbing random circles on her skin. She moved a little bit so she could look at me and then she shook her head.

"No, you don't sound crazy. Do you remember my cousin Brandi?"

I nodded.

"Do you remember how she said she heard voices? We all thought she was crazy till one day she snapped and ended up in the hospital."

"Yeah I remember, it was terrible. You cried a lot."

I thought about Brandi and how sad Alexis was when she found out. I had comforted her every night till Brandi got out of the hospital.

"I'm not going anywhere yet Alexis," I whispered.

She just nodded her head again. We both laid down after that. She put her head on my chest and I played with her hair. We didn't go home till after the sun came up. I took some more pictures but they were on my phone because I didn't have the camera.

"Why are you taking so many pictures?" she asked.

"You'll see eventually."

She laughed and rolled her eyes.

"Whatever you say."

She just didn't realize that she wouldn't see it till the day I was dead. It won't be that long of a wait now though. I'm making a video of all the amazing memories from these past few months. I want everyone to remember me as the happy carefree guy I was.