WIshing Away Curve Balls

Monster Mash

Walking down the street at 3 in the morning isn't what has me gaining concern from my family. Its how I returned in a robotic trance to contend with my overwhelming flash backs that started to occur... Its that time of year where my mind naturally wanders to what has happened to me often... and knowing that things for my horrors were for shadowed to commence...

There were signs of my mother's mental instability before she "broke"... She was "trance" like right after my sister died... She didn't really respond to anything... She slept all of the time.

The first time she beat me was over a surprise for someone that she was planning, and she thought that If I were to see the surprise that I would not only want to share it with the world, but become envious. Understandable from a parenting stand point.

I remember that we had stairs that had a platform where you could choose to head up stairs or into the dining room area... You needed to go through the dinning room to reach the bathroom. The bathroom was connected between the Back of the dinning room and the side of the kitchen. To use it would have provided me having access to viewing what the surprise was in the kitchen.

I remember telling my mother that I had to go to the bathroom several times. She responded back with, "Wait a minute..." That commenced about 10 times.... then her voice began to favor irritation.

My poor little bladder began to scream. I pressed on, "Mommy, I really have to go.... I am going to pee my pants...."

"You're just wanting to see what this is. Just wait..."

I began to cry, and remember asking if I could go to the neighbors house to go to the bathroom. I remember how bad it began to hurt. That each second it became a constant sharp pang that seemed to carry on forever and ever.

" Just fucking wait!"

I knew that I needed to go, so I got my mother's jacket and covered my head with it... I must of looked like a goofy "ghost" ...

"Mommy I covered myself with your jacket so I can't see...."

The next thing I know the jacket is being ripped off of my head and I am tossed down the stairs. I remember the throb of my little bladder suddenly lessening as I felt wetness around me...

"You Fucking pissed yourself! AND got it all over the stairs and floor!"

I felt my stomach lurch as she kicked me in the stomach repeatedly... Hard enough to slide me away from the bottom of the stairs to the middle of the floor... I then began to throw up from how hard she had kicked me...

"Who are you?" i whispered....

I didn't get a reply.

Instead i began to gasp for air as my face was shoved face down into the puddle of vomit. I couldn't breathe as she held me there,  beginning to make moping motions with my body to whip up the messy puddle or urine and combined vomit.

It felt like an eternity before she released me. My chest and throat was burning and I was mustering all my strength and logic to not only preventing the situation to worsen by vomiting again... But comprehending what the woman who was my mother just had done to me...

I was covered with filth.

"Now go fucking clean yourself up.... And make sure its done before I finish in the kitchen and the company gets here. Then you are grounded to your room. I don't even want to fucking hear or see you ever again... "

I disappeared into the bathroom and climbed into the tub. Peeling of the coated clothes, I stood naked. Bruised, and shocked I began to realize that my stomach hurt too much to stand up straight. I remember having dry heaves several times before another moment of vomiting commenced... It was bile mixed with blood.

"Mommy..."

"I fucking will come in there and give you something to cry about if I hear your shit again. I don't want to hear you right now! And I better not see you until your father gets home! Not a fucking word!"

I turned the shower on and watched the colors and chunks parade down to the drain. I didn't know what to do with the chunks that wouldn't go down the drain as I did my best to clean off the clothes.... So I just collected them and flushed them down the toilet with my hands.

I was naked, with wet clothes in the bath tub.

I didn't know what to do... I was 9... maybe 10... I knew that I somehow had to get the clothes to the washer down cellar, then get up to my room with clean clothes.... And do it with out my mother seeing me... The Cellar was only available by going through the kitchen...

So, bravely i took my towel and wrapped it around me like a toga to cover myself, and too my dripping wet clothes and "bagged" them by putting them in the other towel... Gathered my courage... figuring that she has to let me go down cellar to get the dirty clothes clean...

I timidly approached the kitchen...

"Mommy ..."

"WHAT THE FUCK! YOUR FUCKING USELESS AND NOT WORTH THE FUCKING LABOR I WENT THROUGH!"

I felt the sting of her slap across my face that brought my eyes to breach the tears that were already available to cascade down my cheeks.

I dropped the towel... The wet bundle landed on the kitchen floor with a wet plop...

My mother snatched the wet bundle from me and proceeded to chick it down the cellar stairs...

She then turned and slapped me again... The front door had a knock...

She rasped in a harsh ed whisper that haunts me... "Get up to your fucking room NOW before I take this knife and slit your throat... I can bury you in the back yard..."

I zipped away up the stairs into my room. It was then my mind decided that my mother disappeared and was now replaced with a monster... And I also saw the surprise that i was supposed to not have seen...

Not able to fully understand why and how my mother became that monster from at day forward was still confusing me. What a horrible child i was for making a mess like that. Maybe if I were more useful my sister would have lived... and I wouldn't be so bad...

I got dressed quietly and decided to watch my little brother take his nap. He looked so peaceful... He would be excited to see the surprise that I wasn't supposed to have witnessed.

My mother had made  Bugs Bunny cake for the neighbor girl who's birthday was today... I was supposed to go with my mom to the party...

I heard a creak as I looked up to see my mother come in.

She looked at me, "Take care of your brother while he naps. I am going with Helen to the party. I will be back before your father gets home."

She acted like a drill Sargent stating his commanding orders for the regiment to comply to... Completely stoic. Blank...

My mother had turned into the monster... the monster that mashed me apart that day... and continued to mash my childhood away until she abandoned us (my brother & I). It was that day I was instilled with a new knowledge of evil... and was given a sense of accountability to care for my little brother...

I was going to keep him safe from the monster....