WIshing Away Curve Balls

What Word

Now that I am older I have been learning tools and methods to heal my PTSD. There are many other people who have helped influence my life in a positive manner that I hope to someday be able forward their example.

My childhood abuse is one major contributor to my PTSD, but there is also my collapse. Specialists today a certain that I had a stroke, and the hospital i was ad was neglectful of my condition when i first arrived there. I arrived to the hospital as a possible stroke victim, and was not looked at by a physician for 5 hours. Once a physician saw me I was "Code Blue". 

My brain was swollen to where I needed to have a surgery in order to relieve the pressure. I couldn't move my right side. My pituitary gland had become misshapen. I couldn't form words. all I could produce was "what word?" over and over.

After that day I was considered disabled, and had to stop working. I became bed ridden gaining weight to become a massive 473 pounds. I was slowly passing away: other complications were arising due to the inability to perform the surgery my brain needed, along with other surgeries.

My brain didn't recognize my bladder: so i had issues with being able to releave myself, constant infection, and pain.

My vision deteriorated. I had glaucoma and often the migraines would render me to where I could only see "northern lights" 

I became a diabetic that was dependent on U500 insulin that was 150 plus units at times. and that was to keep my sugars in the 300 range. 

I learned that I had Stage 1 Spetato Hepatitis... or simply Liver Disease.

Severe sleep apnea to the point that i needed oxygen while i slept with the machine.

chronic diverticulitis....

I was a slow deteriorating death march with several "side views" of what was to come in the spiritual realms. I have seen Heaven: and CANNOT wait to get there... and knowing that all my family members who are of similar thinking will be there.

I am not suicidal: I just know that falling asleep from this life and waking up into the next is going to be a transition I no longer fear, but welcome.

Because of my belief in Christ. I believe in God, and that Jesus died for my sins so that I may be with him in heaven. Others do not agree or share my belief. That is ok. Even with my own experiences which have me convinced that I know that there is not only an afterlife, but that Jesus is Lord: I don't "shove" my beliefs down others throats. I simply state my beliefs so that they know where I stand, and choose to love them no matter what. 

My favorite friends have had different belief structures than myself. For example: Peggy was an elderly woman who was a Buddhist. She would often get grumpy at me for different things and mock my Christianity, and I would respond with " Its a good thing that I am a Prick, so I cam back in the next life as a thorn in your side."

She was somewhat less than amused. ;) 

I have a bestie that is an atheist. Though after all this time she has come to realize that there is a God... but she just doesn't know how to commit to understanding how to have a relationship with Him. That's ok. I still find the bumper stickers of Darwin's critter eating Christianity's fish quite clever. Also a little amusing...

Now that I have rambled about myself I will get back to the factual events that shaped me into the woman I am today.

Life definitely has curve balls, don't you think? Many things in life that we wish we could have or wish that wouldn't have happened...

Any way: Having a horrendous childhood, a date raped, being a single mother until I married a man that was wonderful.... Just a little immature.... Then becoming disabled and dying.... 

I think I have lived a full life time already... Especially with having almost died a couple times due to adrenal insufficiency. 

Before I go on I must describe what little I remember about my experience with heaven. It was all of a sudden bright. Like I faded into waking up with a flashlight in my face. The flooring was gold, and above me were creatures that I can only describe as some kind of griffon: all singing. I could hear other singing and music in the distance. All of it was in an amazing Harmony. I couldn't pick out melodies, just constant pitches of amazing chords... and syncopations that where with items that made exotic ranges of pounding sounds.

Before I could really clear my vision further I heard Jesus. He has a deep masculine voice ladies that curls your toes! He said to me, "Not Yet, Go back. I have work for you to do."

That was it. I woke up thinking... Well first, OUCH. I was in pain from the experience of physically returning to life. Then I was confused. What the hell was I supposed to do to be so important that I had to come back to this "hell".

I had accepted my fate of a young death. I released the care of my daughter to God, and knew that she would be well cared for by family. I would have to observe her from far away: I didn't want that... But accepted it.

I accepted having to wait to see my husband again until heaven. I accepted leaving everyone...

I experienced the peace and joy that going to heaven was. It was sheer relief and overwhelming happiness... that was nibble: and it was taken away.

Then I knew I was dying again: this time from the debilitating stroke. 

I don't understand God... But I know that all of a sudden my body went from dying to living.

It was strange. I had another brain "stroke" but in reverse.

The first stroke was when I collapsed at work. I remember an intense headache and not being able to think. I was told that i kept trying to communicate. The only words i was able to slur out was the question, "What Word?"

Even now I struggle with regaining the appropriate responses at times. It can be very frustrating. Similar to that feeling when the words are on the tip of your tongue but just wont come to you. It was strange to move my head and have the room feel as though it moved with me. My center of gravity was no longer obtainable. It took so much effort just to do basic daily things to aide the people who took care of me.

Going from independently sufficient and caring for co-dependent family members to invalid was hard enough. Losing my freedom, but watching those I love having to grow into roles of caring and taking responsibility for me was harder. Learning to let go. Learning to be grateful. Learning to accept things as they are instead of living in the past.

Acceptance is key, but moving forward takes the courage of choosing life... Choosing the right path.

So "What Word?" would i give for those horrendous years as a young mother and wife that i still have flash backs about that are not explainable.... Overwhelming Lessons...