WIshing Away Curve Balls

Bubble Gum Machines

MOving into my grandparents home as a young abused teen was definately a new challenge. Not many people understood what had happened to us.

No one knew the extent of how severe things had gotten except for me. And I had chosen to go almost completely mute. 

My grandparents were frustraited with this. That and the fact that I was so behind in my school work. They also saw that I was more of a parent to my little brother than any one else.

They also were coping with the fact that we were really sick. They learned that there was rat poison in our systems (my father more than us becuase i did my best to pick out the funny tasting things when i found them).

I was learning to multiply, curservie write, and read all at the end of 5th grade. That was several years of school work being compiled into one summer. My grades faltered for a couple years. It took until my freshman year of highschool for me to catch up & then prove that i was able to handle my school work on my own.

I remember sitting at the counter for hours just writting, or doing work books. It was the only way my grandparents knew to help me grow into where i needed to be.

This i understand now. Then i was just frightened that I would never be good enough, and that if i didn't accomplish what was needed they would make things worse. Like take me away from my brother...

I wasn't allowed to engage in motherly behavior toward my brother. I remember the first few months was the hardest. Watching my little brother being sick... refusing to eat to the point where he vomitted... It was hard on him. He was behind in school too. He was also severe ADHD. They learned he couldn't see and got him the glasses he needed to see. I was drilled about why he had scar tissue behind his eye... They knew that I knew, but I still wouldn't tell them.

How could I tell them what our own mother did to us? Besides, my brother still thought my mother was wonderful. The few times we were allowed to visit her she had presents, fast food, and all the wonderful things that we weren't allowed to have at my grandparents. She made everything sound wonderful, etc. She wasn't the monster unless we were alone... and that was rare after we went to live with my grandparents. I even think that after a couple of the visitations... for whatever reason: they picked up on my behaviors that it wasn't safe. SO we would go on huge long hikes in the state forests when it was my mothers scheduled visitation with us. 

This i was grateful for.

I also fell in love in highschool. I wasn't allowed to date, so i did it in secret... I am sure that they knew, but how far could a couple get while in classes at a high school? 

I remember being told that I was just like my mother, and "I wish I knew what you were thinking" by my grandmother all the time.

I was NOTHING like my mother. I was determined to prove that. I wanted to go to college so bad to prove this that I ran away from home when i was 18 (my senior year). I lived with another family as a roommate... 

I remember being so happy at being able to pass my SAT without needing to take time off my full time job, or having to take the PSAT. I got a 970- which was plently yo get into an ok college. My teachers weren't happy about it... Expecially when I left the test early to go to work. 

Now I look back and think about the "what if" i was allowed to put school first, and I was allowed to pursue achademics passionately? 

I also was excited becuase I felt like a young engaged woman. I took my High School sweetheart seriously when he went to the gum ball machines that day to get me a little prize... And he pulled out a ring... He proposed stating that when he was able to afford a better ring he would.

I think he did truely love me, but hormones got into the way. Becuase the week after i got my acceptance letter to the state colleges, I walked into my room to find him physically engaged in intercourse with my roommate. I had been out with friends and forgot something at home. Yep... That was the first time that I blacked out form anger. I came to chasing her down the street (she was "toga" in a sheet") with my friends chasing behind me. They managed to stop me, and I moved out that night. I remained homeless until another kind family was able to take me in as a foster so that I could complete high school.