WIshing Away Curve Balls

Pharaoh

I often though of myself as morbid, but now I realize that I was just compassionate in a way that was inappropriate.

You see, when a child was abuse in everyway to the extreme that I was: it is going to come out in different ways. 

Such as I became almost mute. I would answer questions with as little verbiage as possible. 

I also became fascinated with fire. I would often hide in bathrooms to light items on fire. I would watch the flames and add to the pile to make it more intense. I wanted to set curtains and other items on fie, but I knew that I had to care for my little brother... What would happen to him if we no longer had a home? What if I couldn't get him out of the house when I was done watching the fire go from safe to consuming the house? SO I would wait until the flames would reach a certain point and extinguish them. I even knew how to use the "hay" from the broom on a hot surface (such as the stove top) to ignite a flame if I didn't have access to my mothers lighter or matches.

I also had a thing with picking up road kill and trying to save the creature if I could. I didn't realize that I was probably doing more harm than good to the poor creatures... I just knew that if you used splints, or stiches to close wounds- we healed. So it made sense that if I cleaned and addressed the wounds that they would heal. More often than not the animals all died.

I was especially heart broken after my kitten had eaten rat poison. My mother and father just didn't do anything. SO I had taken Pharaoh (my little orange tabby kitten) and watched him convulse and vomit for what seemed like hours. I cleaned up the vomit and tried to calm him by petting him. I tried to offer him water: know that the poisons that I had read said to have children drink milk or water to dilute them. He wouldn't drink. 

I went out to the farthest point in our back yard and buried him. I used my mother's spade shovel. It was some time later that I noticed that his bones had been revealed. I didn't understand why... I just knew that they were his bones... His little scull was there... some other bones. 

My mother had gotten so angry with me for attempting to rebury the bones in a different place, and she took them from me. 

It was only a short time later that I found those bones on a table... along with other items and candles. I saw other things too... Things I knew that had my blood, my brothers blood, and my father's...

I learned from personal experience that the realm of spiritual activity is real. I also learned that my mother practiced a format of witchcraft that many look down upon.

I still cannot describe all the scary things that I witnessed as a 10-11 year old other than I have seen "Magic"...

I have heard voices, and seen shadows of odd forms as if animated, move along walls that didn't have light. I have also watched many things move on their own: including watching what I thought looked like pepper "river" up from a base of a candle and extinguish the flame by itself.

If I were younger: I would have definitely considered that all to be imaginary, but knowing what I know now. I am definitely of the opinion that there is a spiritual realm, there is a supernatural force, and that were are apart of it. 

I remember even thinking toward the end that I could see my sister and pharaoh crying and in the mirrors when I looked into them... Then when I turned: they were gone. 

SO considering all the crazy I was administered: I have no doubt that I was also giving in to some levels of crazy at the end, being easily used by the unknowns, or both...