D E S I R E

|| S a b r i n a C l a u d i o ||

We don't say enough. I think you've begun to notice that. We aren't the same as we used to be.

There are days, when I repeat our routines without you. Like the early Saturday mornings, walking around without a stitch on and watch the morning rise. We'd smile together and you'd satirize on about how we, the naked sunbathers, were the last of humanity, mocking old love stories.

You take my hand, curling our fingers together, dragging your nails down my palm or kissing each line on my fingers. You'd lean over and comb your fingers through my in a muddle hair, gently pulling on each strand. Your skin would be cool against mine. I knew that underneath, my blood was racing through my veins, in the bliss of being near you. You always thought I was running a fever.

I was, and you were my illness, there was no cure for you. I was stuck with you.

So why am I doing our routines alone?

I'm still sick with what you left of yourself behind. I don't feel so good now.

Back then, I always wanted to tell you, to never let me go. I thought it was an unspoken rule between us, to hold onto the other like the universe would break us if our grip loosened even in the slightest. The only one who got broken was me.

Did you even know, that you let go, Sabrina?

Now I laugh alone, and cry at the fact that I'm the last of humanity in this old heart-rending story.

Without you, time has stopped, I can't seem to move. I can't breathe. I'm stuck in the spot where you last were. Telling me your daydreams and whispers of pipedreams. Holding me like I'm your last breathe. I still sit at the window sill, watching the morning rise but there is no sun anymore. It followed you.

You left with him.

I thought I was enough. Why wasn't I enough? I tried to make things better for you, but you never noticed. We never said enough. I never said how much you meant to me and you never said how little I meant to you. Even in our fights, we spoke in reverse.

I'd tell you how much I hated you.

You'd tell me how much you loved me.

It was never enough.

Why did we lie?

The fights soon became so much, every day. It entered our routines. I remember when you locked yourself away from me and I destroyed everything I touched. The TV that held all your recorded shows and the computer that stored thousands of photo albums of me in positions and surroundings you never wanted to forget. I destroyed the fine China plates that we had on display in the kitchen and the nice little rocking chairs by the window sill. I destroyed you. I destroyed myself.

Then when I was done, I realized I couldn't fix those pieces. You knew too.

You began to look the other way. You've always looked the other way, but this time, you ran towards it. You let me go and ran.

I stayed right where you last were. Even when I so badly wanted to leave after you, with you.

Now you're with him. I was left with the broken pieces of you while he gave you new ones to fix yourself with.

We were never meant to be. You were never for me. I believed in the lies you told me, I believed you loved me.

Why couldn't you just tell me, you didn't like girls?

Why couldn't I just tell you I loved you?

Um, so, I like Sabrina Claudio. Her voice is amazing. Also, this little thing has a lot of influence from Billie Eilish song, Wish You Were Gay and Abbey Glover's song, I Wish You Liked Girls. So yeah, the songs and all artists are great, you should check them out.