Room 116 (Austin Carlile + Alan Ashby)

IV

For two consecutive weeks, every single night, Austin and I fell asleep before kissing one another. That was until I lost absolute sanity about it. Why were we doing this? What is going on with us?

During the day, it'd be like we're just friends. Full on friend act. We'd go out to the woods and try to build fires with sticks like stupid kids. We'd watch NFL games on the laptop and hammer each other for supporting different teams. We'd wake up in the morning like nothing happened the night before. I'd pretend like I didn't hear him mumble my name in his sleep while I tried to force myself to slumber after recollecting my sanity.

I just don't get it and the worst thing is, he's messing with my head. We both qualified from the start that we were both straight. Heck, he was a homophobic jerk before all of this. What are we classed as now? Friends with benefits? Well what is the benefits? The benefit of the doubt? Because honestly if all he's benefitting from me is a lousy kiss and tug of the shirt, then I don't want to do this anymore.

... Why am I acting like I want it to be more than just a lousy kiss and a tug of a shirt? When he lays his hands on my hips and lifts my shirt to thumb my hipbones, why do I want it to mean something? When he pulls the neck of my shirt after a moan escapes into our reckless kisses, why do I want him to want my heart?

I don't understand why I.. Why I find him so beautiful. Or why I find it so charming when he winks as he laughs. Or besides that, why I'm thinking any of this at all. I had convinced myself I'm straight. I mean come on, does a guy really have to be gay to find another guy attractive? No.

I've kissed girls before and it's always felt right. I'd never even though to try it on with a guy, never. I don't feel like I'm gay, I just feel like Austin is an exception. Probably because he's the manliest organism you're ever going to meet in your entire life. Kissing him is like finding something new in your life.

Touching his skin is like melting into warm capsules. And staring into his eyes are like swimming in desire. Surely that's not all this is. Desire, lust.. Well it isn't love.

What is 'love' anyways?

Love: feel deep affection or sexual love for someone.

Deep affection? Nope. Maybe an inevitable desire for affection, but not deep. Sexual? I can't stand it when Austin tries to unbutton my pants in between a kiss. It pretty much ends the session as if to be a sentence to sleep. Do I want to do such things with Austin..? Let's not go there.

--
"It's my mom's birthday." I said randomly, causing Austin to stop in the path and turn to face me. "That's awesome, happy birthday to your mom." he smiled and continued walking. We'd gone out for a walk in the woods seeing as the weather was lovely. We came here yesterday too but it was more fun then. I don't know, I'm not in the best mood.

Unexpectedly, something caught around my ankle and I fell on to the grubby floor. I looked behind me to see a log on the ground. How the hell didn't I see a log?! And that's exactly what Austin said after he'd finished laughing.

He offered his hand to help me up. "I don't know man." I grumbled. "OK, Mr Pushy. What's up with you?" Austin joked, wrapping a friendly arm around my shoulder. I shrugged his arm off of me and walked ahead of him. "Nothing, just give me some space." I murmured and he grabbed my wrist and pulled my back to him. "Get off of me, Austin." I protested but there was no way he was going to stop. "No, I don't know why you're in a pissy mood but whatever it is, you don't have to take it out on me." he said and already he was pissing me off even more.

Austin had readily put me in two minds about everything so far. About our relationship, about what I think of him, about what I think of myself.. I tugged myself out of his grip and walked faster to a point where I'd found a small lake. I sat to the side of it on a large rock which acted as my seat. Austin sighed and scooted besides me. "If this is about last night, and every night before, just tell me." he sighed again, seeming restless.

"What else would it be about Austin, what are we even doing?" I whined, turning to face him. He scratched behind his head and shrugged. "I don't even know. I'm straight, so I don't know. But.. It's different with you." My heart was pinched slightly as he said that. "What do you m-mean?" I whimpered.

Austin sat opposite me now and he kept looking down to the stone beneath us to avoid eye contact and the exposure of his pink blush. "You, I don't know. You know I'm the least ga- homosexual person you'll meet. But when it comes to you, gosh. I can't think of anything but to hug you and love you and I don't know, play with your hair and tell you how great you are. But... It's not normal... My parents brought me up to believe homosexuality was wrong and that we were created to maximise generations. You can't do that with two guys so what'd be the point at all, they'd say." Austin slowly looked up but his eyes continued to flutter.

"That's uhm, moving. I.. I," I hesitated before taking Austin's hand and sandwiching it between both of mine. "I've never liked guys. Ever. As much as I support gay rights, even I found it weird. I've done something stupid and that was falling for you. I didn't want to fall for you. But I did. Seeing as you did happen to I don't know, kiss me every night?!" I joked and Austin smiled. He punched my arm jokingly. "Why'd you have to turn something sappy into something stupid?" he laughed.

"I don't know. But I do like you, Austin. But if we're going to keep acting like nothing's happening between us except for when we're on each other's mouths every night, what's the point right?" I breathed.

"All in all, it's up to you."

(tbc)