Room 116 (Austin Carlile + Alan Ashby)

V

It was a week after that when I thought maybe things had become a bit more confirmed. It was the night that Austin and I had fallen asleep together and he didn't complain.

I was on the left hand side of the bed and he was on the right, besides the wall. Neither of us had a shirt on and we could feel each smooth and rough of one another's skin. His arm was over my chest while his face nuzzled my arm. His mouth agape and I could feel his warm breath against my arm as he indulged in slumber.

His knee was slightly bend that it just overlapped my own. His body was warm and I couldn't help to think how badly I wanted this to be true. That it's not just a lucky benefit from a friend, a favour even. 'Thanks for letting me hug you and kiss you to prevent getting lonely.'

As much as I wanted it to feel completely real, it didn't feel that way. Because every night before Austin would return to his bunk, he'd whisper in my ear, "This was a stupid idea."

I didn't know what it meant. I wanted to ask him. I wanted to ask him if he knew how much it hurt knowing that I probably wasn't good enough.

Never had I thought this would happen when I entered this camp. When I saw the lost boy outside the hall door, finding out he was my roommate. Never. While Austin was out to get coffees for us, I'd spoken to my mom about it. First, I'd have thought that she'd flip out for her son technically seeing another guy.

Wait, let's get this straight. I'm not gay, nor am I bisexual. Austin is an exception. That sounds stupid, but there's no other way I can explain it.

She told me that however I feel, I need to tell him. That it will clear some things out. Well thanks mom. The thing is, I don't know how I feel. It's not like I can date him. Do I want to date him?

I have no idea but my head has been hurting more and more each time I even think about. I thought to do the logical thing, and that was to talk to him about it.

--
"Austin, come here please." I said from the window of the room. Austin was sorting his hair out in the mirror while I sat at the windowsill. He came over and sat opposite me. "Whaddup?" he asked and I sighed. I looked down and pulled my sleeves over my thumbs to quickly think of a way to introduce this. I could elongate it, or get straight to the point.

"You okay?" he asked, bending slightly to look at my face. I shrugged. "I've been pretty confused lately." I murmured. "What about?"

"Well, about us. Where do we stand? Do you seriously like me or am I just your treat that you like to take advantage of when you feel like it and forget about in the morning? If all I am is a toy to you then I don't want to be messed around with anymore. Because at the end of the day you're not the only one with feelings an-" I began before Austin stopped me with a finger to my lips and a 'shh.' I sighed and looked at him.

"You're not a toy. Alan, for fucks sake, if you think I'm using you, I'm so sorry. I don't even mean to. I know it seems like it because I was not used to the whole guy and guy thing and then suddenly kissed you every night. But it means something, I'm telling you." Austin said sternly.

I do not know why, but I'd covered my face since I began to cry. Why I was crying, I don't know. This was all a lot for me. I'm not used to this. I'm not going to lie, this was stressing me out. I heard Austin sigh. I wiped my eyes and looked back up to him and he had his head in his hands. "It's just that I feel like you regret doing any of this. In the morning you wake up like nothing happened.. You tell me every night that it wasn't a good idea and it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. It's really stressing me out. If it's not going anywhere, then please, let it stop now." I said, trying to recollect any strength I had left in me.

Austin held my hand close beside him and rubbed it softly. "I only say that for a reason. It wasn't a good idea because I didn't think I'd.. I'd fall for you. Yes, haha. Austin Carlile, the supposed homophobe, likes a guy. When I say you're an exception, Alan, fuck, you really are the only guy I'd ever want. I said it wasn't a good idea because I didn't think I'd long for you so badly after the first night. It's just.. I don't want to string you along. That's why I say it. It's like an apology. An apology for leading you on because I can never face walking out to the world with your hand in mine, as badly as I want to. It's not normal to me, nor my family or friends. That's my problem, I actually want to. And because I want to have you with me, I make use of the time when we're hidden away from everyone... I sound like an idiot." Austin said confidently at the start and slowly his masculinity and strength withered away by the end.

I shook my head. "I understand. You're not an idiot, Austin. I get it's a big deal for you.. But if this isn't going to go anywhere and it's just a fling, I.. I want it to stop." I said, my voice crumbling.

Austin looked defeated, and devastated. He nodded and squeezed my hand, "It should stop. From here on now, I wont lay a finger on you. I don't want to do this to you, Alan. You don't deserve it... But before we put a stop to it..." he began while my heart pounded.

The brown haired boy leaned towards me and cupped my cheek, brushing my hair off my eyes with the tips of his fingers. His nose brushed lightly on mine before positioning perfectly for his tender lips to kiss mine. I didn't react until he bit my lip softly, then I kissed back. For about a minute, we indulged in a passionate kiss that tasted like lukewarm saltwater. That of course was my realisation of what I'd lose, a person I'd developed feelings for. Feelings strong enough to let me cry. Not make me cry, but let me.

I broke the kiss. "T-that's enough." I whispered in a solemn tone and Austin nodded. He stood up and straightened his shirt. Standing in front of me, he gave me an awkward hug by my shoulders and kissed my forehead. With that he left a small whisper. "Even though I'm still here, I'll miss you." he had said and in that moment, I realised that I'd really fallen for such a guy.

--
I don't know why I was acting so awkward the next day. It was meant to be like any other day. Especially because Austin and I only ever did 'that stuff' at night and in the morning it'd be like nothing happened. Am I bummed that nothing actually happened the night before?

I'd gone down to get my coffee, on my own. I'd watched the NFL game, on my own. I'd even adventured the woods alone and sombre, because he wasn't by my side.

Now? Now I'm sitting in the washroom as he takes a nap. While this blood runs down my arm as I made the mark that this was real. I had made my realisation that the situation was real, and I was in love with a boy that I can never have again.

« You bleed just to know you're alive. »

(tbc)