Room 116 (Austin Carlile + Alan Ashby)

VI

Two days later and I feel like I'm clinging onto something that's slowly ripping my skin off. My face being pulled at the most graceful actions such as butterflies fluttering aimlessly in the dead air. Dead, that's what this all was. No life and no speck of it either.

I'd roll around in bed with hopelessness and no commitment to making something of the day or 'ceasing it' as they may say. Carpe diem? Why is such a stupid saying so famous? How about I make my own famous saying and stick it in Latin. 'Fuck everything, it's gonna screw you over anyways.'

Coronas cornonabit te tribulatione magna: et super omne, quod suus 'iens futurus XVI Pedicabo.

Like any dead end is going to learn that off by heart. Heart. My heart hurt. It hurt because I'd been so stupid about it all. I hate that I decided to inflict my pain on myself. It may have been one petty cut, but it sure fucking did piss me right the fuck off.

How pathetic was that? Hurting myself over the stupidest things? Even I know that's not the right way to go. But something made me want to cry. The thing that made me want to cry was that I knew Austin was listening when I did.

I learnt something special about him. When I was crying in my pillow and the faint muffled sounds of weeps, sobs and sniffs, he'd sigh. He'd sigh and when I choke on the lack of air I was getting, he'd begin to hum. It was a smooth, peaceful hum and it acted like a lullaby. What I'd learnt? I'd learnt that Austin can sing. Because when his hum reminded me of everything I missed, he'd sing me softly to sleep.

It was ambient and soft. I'd never felt so calm. I could make out the slight words and it just moved me. The soft sounds would rock me to sleep and my eyes would slowly fall away into bliss.

When things felt like they were falling apart, I'd replay the gentle sound of his voice in my head.

"Look into the emptiness and step into the cold. Right between your body and your soul. Deep inside of all of us there's something left to hold. Even when we give up all hope, there's space enough to grow."

I missed Austin even though it'd only been about three or so weeks. I knew he cared and that's what hurt. Even worse, I began to convince myself that he'd fall for another person. Maybe a cute, sweet girl who I'd be absolutely no match for.

I couldn't say I was broken, but I could say I was breaking.
--
Things were starting to get back to normal. I was sitting on the floor while leaning on the bed watching the NBL game. The laptop was in front of my crossed legs as I cheered for my team. Then Austin came in with a coffee for the both us. "Thank you!" I said in the same voice I'd cheered for my team. "That was a jank move." Austin scoffed looking at the screen after my team had missed the basket. I shot Austin a stare and he laughed at sat besides me.

We watched the entire match arguing foolishly about why our teams were better than each other. It was like how it was before two days ago. I liked it, it felt like we were on level again. I sighed after putting down the laptop screen. I let my arms relax and put them out on the bed where upon Austin saw the relatively deep cut I'd made on my wrist.

"H-how did you manage that?" he questioned as his eyebrows furrowed. There's no way he'd think it is what it is but incase he might've I quickly snatched my hand away from the bed and crossed my arms so my hand was out of reach. "Oh, there was a sharp edge I fell into in the woods. It's nothing." I smiled and he grabbed my arm, pulling my wrist into eyes view.

"If it was a fall, it wouldn't have cut so clean. It would've grazed at least," Austin started and he stared me straight in the eye. "The only way it could be so clean, was if someone had done it themselves." he stated and I looked down. There was no point in denying it.

I sighed before letting my act go. "Yeah, so I did. It was only one so why does it matter?" I mumbled and Austin shook his head in his hand. "That's not the fucking way to go Alan. Did you do it because of.. the other day?" he asked and I let my silence provide as an answer. I think he got the message.

He sighed completely in frustration, regret and sadness. "Never, ever dare hurt yourself again. EVER. It was not a request, but a demand. Am I clear to you?" he said quite loudly causing me to flinch. I ignored it and looked to the side. He shuffled abruptly in front of me and held my chin, moving my face to face his. "I said, am I clear, Ashby?" I nodded in terror because there was no predicting what Austin could've done there and then. I'm pretty sure you could tell how scared I was.

Austin stood up and ran his fingers through his soft hair and pulled it as he reached the back of his head. "I can't believe you'd do that." he grumbled causing me to shiver slightly. "I'm angry because you don't realise how much you're worth. If you ever fucking try something like that again, I swear I will never let it go. You don't deserve that for yourself, Alan. Can't you just try to understand that?" he said through gritted teeth.

"I-I'm sorry." I proceeded as I grabbed my jacket since for some reason the room labelled 116 was getting too hot for my liking and I needed some fresh air. "Where are you going?" Austin mumbled. "For a walk, I need to clear my head." I muttered and he nodded.

"Be quick, I want to talk to you about something. And be careful." he said angrily.

I smiled just the slightest bit. It proves he cares.