IN THE HEIGHTS

10

Prompt: life has a way with dealing with things and making kids feel helpless and isolated.

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When Vanessa was younger, maybe 7 or 8, her mother was depressed. Unsure of what was happening, Vanessa didn't tell anyone. How on earth do you explain to someone that her mother doesn't love her? That Vanessa can't make her happy? But Abuela came to the rescue, helping her and giving her one-on-one counselling sessions that the school couldn't provide. Vanessa soon realised it wasn't her fault.

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In 10th Grade, Vanessa realised Nina had anxiety. It took a while for Vanessa to come to that conclusion, initially putting it down to Nina's constant stressing during exam season. But after 3 nights in a row of hysterical crying and Vanessa holding her as she sobbed, Vanessa finally found the guts to ask.

"Nina? Do you have anxiety?"

At first, she didn't get an answer, only a pair of wet, hazel eyes looking up at her. She repeated the question.

"Well... I've been doing a lot of research..." Vanessa raised her eyebrows as if to ask again. "I think so, yes."

They didn't speak for another hour, they just held each other. Vanessa's best friend needed her right now and she was damn well gonna be there for her.

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Towards the end of the year, Vanessa had been deemed the 'mental health expert of the school' (purely by the children alone-no teacher would ever admit the school didn't have a mental health expert). It became so widely known that even Benny had come to talk to her.

"Is there something wrong with me?" Vanessa and Benny weren't really friends, but at least that made Benny trust that she wouldn't tell on him.

"What do you mean? What do you think is wrong with you?" She felt like some kind of councillor, only she didn't need a notepad and she couldn't technically diagnose kids.

"I get nightmares, V, about my dad." Now this was something Vanessa could relate to.

"Tell me what happens when you wake up."

Benny told her everything, from the way he thrashed in his sleep and sometimes only woke because he'd thrown himself out of bed, to how he realised when he woke up that he'd cried the whole way through the night.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think you're scared and worried and upset and you're not sure how to deal with it. And to be honest, I can't tell you how to deal with it. I deal with things by making the best use of what leftovers I find of my mothers alcohol, so I wouldn't advise that..." she wracked her brain. "The best I can suggest is to talk to people. Maybe about your nightmares, maybe not, just talk to them. Your mom, Usnavi or someone."

And Benny thanked her.

She knew he was coping better when he waved at her across the school field, his smiled wide and his hands held high with a big thumbs up.

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It wasn't until several years later, when Usnavi came to her, when Vanessa had to dust up on knowledge.

"Sonny... is he alright?" Vanessa stared a little at her boyfriend-of-two-months.

"What do you mean?"

"He gets all touchy, all upset and stuff- sensitive! That's the word..."

"Snavi', there's nothin' wrong with him." She said certainly.

"Am I doing something wrong?" His face suddenly fell as he was taken over by guilt.

"No- dios mios, Snavi, of course not."

"Then what is it?"

Vanessa never answered Usnavi properly, just reassuring him that no there was nothing wrong with his cousin, just some teenage angst.

And then Sonny needed her.

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"Nessa, I don't know who to go to..." Coming to his cousins girlfriend was an unusual choice, but Sonny was kind of stuck on options.

"I'm right here, Sonny, whatever you need to tell someone, you can tell me."

Is this what the maternal instinct is? Feeling responsible? Wanting to look after someone? If ever she felt that, she felt it now.

"Nessa... I... I think I'm gay..."

She didn't say anything for a moment.

"Okay... and what would you like me to do?" She tried to seem like it didn't matter-she knew that's what he needed to hear-it wouldn't change anything.

"Tell me I'm not! Tell me I'm wrong and that it's 'just hormones' and that I'll get over it!" He pleaded.

"Do you like boys?"

"...I think so?"

"So what's the problem."

"It's not... I'm not normal."

And she told him. Everything. How alone she felt when her mother had depression, how Nina had explained her own anxieties to her, how Vanessa felt when she was alone, how all her friends at school had felt. And then she asked.

"Are we strange, Sonny?"

They smiled together. They were okay. They were more than okay. They were thriving. Together.