Transformers ( Bayverse ) - I Bleed Into Darkness

20 - Comatose

        Fay was still in bed. It had been three days now, and she hadn’t left her room since she’d seen Optimus perish. Her chest still hurt. Like someone had decided to try and pole vault, using her spark as the base for their jump. And the pole had stayed wedged there, painful and aching. A hollow spot felt like it was consuming her. And it was . . .  terrible. Breathing hurt on it’s own. Her antidepressant dose had been doubled, but they had yet to see any real results. They didn’t know what else to do for her, supposedly.

        The daily visits from Malakai weren’t helping. When he came to deliver her medicine, he practically had to drag her out of the bed and sit her up, forcing the medicine to go down compliantly. She didn’t pay him much heed. She was consumed in her grief, the unexpected loss that had someone left her with more pain than she thought possible. Pain that she didn’t think she’d experience again. A pain that felt all too familiar.

        ‘Did he join you in heaven, Dad . . . ? You didn’t hurt him, did you . . . ? I miss him . . . I miss you . . . Tell me it’s just a dream . . . Please. Tell me it’s all just a bad dream.’ She took a long, shuddering breath, the ache echoing through her body as she attempted to breathe. It was better than the alternative. Which she had done, actually.

        The morning after, she’d held her breath, not wanting to live, much less be conscious. She couldn’t stand the pain and aching that was so prevalent inside her every fiber and bone. It hurt. It was a terrible thing and she couldn’t make it go away no matter how hard she tried. She held her breath until she felt like her lungs would burst from the pain.

        She’d sucked in a breath, hating her weakness, despising herself for the failure to do something worth doing. Or, it felt like something worth doing at the moment. Fay just missed him. She hated being alone. She wanted nothing more than to see the people who actually cared about her, who had supported her and loved her for so much of her life. Was that really so much to ask of the world?

        So she tried again. Fay held her breath, aching as the carbon dioxide built up in her lungs and her body desperately wanted to expel it. She knew from her biology class that it was the buildup of carbon dioxide that caused the lungs pain, and eventually caused someone to pass out. She knew it wouldn’t kill her. That much was certain. But at least she could pass out and maybe she could forget about the world for a little while.

        Holding her breath had become routine lately. Every day now Fay would hold her breath until she passed out, even though it took at least two tries, sometimes three, to get it right. It was painful, and she knew it couldn’t possibly be good for her, but it was hard to care when the world had been cruel enough to take so much from her. It was a horrid sort of thing. She missed the people she’d loved most.

        Charlie . . .

        Charlie was real. Charlie was a wonderful person. Charlie was amazing. And Charlie was alive. But Charlie couldn’t possibly replace all the people Fay had lost. Her spark sunk thinking about Charlie. She missed the sweet girl. In the three days she’d been laying here, she hadn’t heard a thing from her blonde best friend. But of course. Fay hadn’t exactly participated in visitor hours.

        A knock came to Fay’s door. She tensed and waited a few moments. The person outside was quiet, but hadn’t made a move to open the door. Fay took a slow breath, thinking about the few possibilities of who could be here. Her medicine wasn’t due just yet. Visitors were probably milling in for the designated visiting hours. No. Charlie wouldn’t have.

        “Go away,” Fay mumbled, pulling the pillow over her face. She was sick of everything that was going on. She didn’t want to see anyone, even Charlie right now. She wanted to be alone and wallow in her personal, emotional filth. She wanted to have something else to look forward to. She wanted to see Optimus, alive and well.