to be or not to be?

In my house?

you know when one of your favourite fantasies ALMOST come true? and then after it happens your just stuck in this endless daydream about how it would've continued and how it would be so perfectly perfect? that just happened.

just getting in from work, i threw down my bag and practically dragged myself upstairs, my legs were so tired from walking aisle to aisle every 2 minutes for 5 hours, just for some stupid customers who treat me like trash. anyway, i had one of those "sick to death of life and everyone in it" looks on my face and all i wanted to do was put some music on and lay snug in bed and fall asleep. But to my surprise, i opened the door and the adrenaline shot through me like a bullet through paper.

There he was. sat on my bed. staring at the pictures on my wall of me and Kaitlin ( aka my best friend everrrrr). i rush to the pin board,

"No! No! No! Don't look at those!"

i screamed a little too loud. he laughed under his breath followed by one of those cute little smiles that he always gives Nancy.

"oh..uh..sorry"

i say, feeling myself go bright red like i do when i have to answer a question in class or something. i'm already scared to be around him never mind embarrass myself in front of him like this.

"no..don't be sorry..i shouldn't have been up here"

he says with a look of guilt in his face. the one thing i didn't want to happen. me make him feel like crap. he looked at me and said,

"so how you doing?"

"i'm good, you?"

"i'm good too"

"good"

the most awkward first conversation i could ever have. i had to fix it, so i sat on the bed next to him, but not too close.

"i don't bite"

he whispers softly.

"i know, it's just...Nancy"

"what about her"

he replies.

"you're dating her"

"i am aware of that"

"so i can't sit too close to you"

"Nancy isn't here right now though"

Shit. What does this mean? what do i do? i break down for a second or two, baffled as to what i'm supposed to do.

"huh?"

i ask, pretending i didn't hear anything he'd said.

"oh nothing, um i should get going now"

he responded whilst swiftly collecting his belongings and practically running out the room.

what have i done? the one time i get close to the LOVE OF MY LIFE...and i ruin it all.  i guess all i can tell myself is "better luck next time". If there even is a next time.