You and I (Joey Graceffa)

Chapter 71

Lina's Pov

"Me, David and Meghan were just thinking of playing spin the bottle, since you're back from O2l's house now." Joey tells me as he pecks my cheek. His lips are soft, like always. I feel like his lips are on my cheek for a couple of seconds before the feeling disappears.

"Sounds like fun, but don't you think we should invite some more people?" I ask.

We all nod and pull out our phones, texting away.

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So far, Luke, Whitney, Anthony, Kalel, Cat, Tyler, all of O2l, Sawyer (Joey invited him, not me), Shane, Lisa and Ingrid have shown up. But I think that's good enough.

Me and Joey push the chairs, tables and couches to the edge of the room, so that we have more room to sit in a circle for the game. Beer and wine are in the middle of our YouTube circle, just so we can make the game more interesting. Of course, a bottle for us to spin is in the middle. I mean, it's not spin the bottle of you don't have a bottle right?

"Ok, who wants to go first?" Joey asks looking around.

"I will." I say and lean in to spin. It lands on Connor.

"Oh shit." I say under my breath. Connor was right next to me, Joey on the other side. Many people are already drunk because they took the time to drink before we even started.

I lean in and peck him on the lips, squinting my eyes closed really tight. Connor is like a brother to me and I don't consider him anything else.

Everyone cheers, clearly all drunk now. Even Joey cheered so that proves something, that he really is super drunk.

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My turn was the last of mine for tonight. I spin the bottle and it lands on Sawyer.

Sawyer looks up and smirks at me. He clearly is going to try something. I didn't drink to tonight so I'm the only one stable.

He leans in and smacks his lips on mine, reaching his hand down my shorts right away. The other one goes up my shirt.

"SAWYER GET OFF ME!!!" I shriek and push him off me. I get up and run upstairs, tears flowing down my face.

Sawyers gone back to the old side of him, the one who loves sex, who craves it, even if I means hurting someone else's feelings by trying to have it.

I climb under the covers in my bed and let the tears flow, soaking my pillow.

I though he changed.

I thought he recovered.

He caused me pain that he can't repay.

He's pushing my feeling of hate to him over the edge.

I've built barriers up and they've been broken down. He was the one that broke them down. Sure, my other abusive exes broke down barriers, like Caleb or Jon, or really my dad too, but not as much as Sawyer. My dad should've been the one that broke down the barriers more, because after all he was my dad, but it was Sawyer who broke them down more times than I could count. Of course, Joey builds them up partially, maybe halfway up, every time he shows that he cares for me. But is Joey here now? No he's drunk like everyone else. He's to drunk to be able to comprehend what happened, what happened back there. What had happened with Sawyer. What Sawyer did to me.

If he wasn't drunk, Sawyer would be dead and I know that as the truth. Joey truly loves me and I know that. If anyone hurt me, Joey would be at the rescue. Joey would make them repay for hurting me. Joey would make them suffer.

I clutch the covers to my body as I try to fight the urge to cut, to swallow some pills and falling asleep, waking up the next morning feeling slightly better but really not being good to myself, not being healthy.

I would be going back to my old self, before I met Joey, before he was there for me. But he isn't here now. It's like I never met him and I didn't go to Whole Foods.

He isn't here to comfort me, to kiss all the pain away. Kiss my scars and make me feel better. Make my heart feel better. Build up the barriers that have been broken down today, well really tonight.

Would Joey still love me if I went back to my old self? The one that became so depressed, that I was drunk on depression? Being drunk on depression was like when I was not able to figure out what the surroundings around me were, what was going on around me. I wouldn't be able to figure out why Joey was here, why he was clutching my hand, begging me to stop. I wouldn't be able to tell why Joey was at my side, crying a river of tears onto my arm. I wouldn't be able to tell why he was even here with me, why he even felt anything about me. I just wouldn't be able to tell.

Why do I even try? Why do I try to be with someone? It's going to end up like it does every time. Me ending up broken, falling into a pit of depression. The guy? Well he lives a happy life, glad to have gotten rid of me, once we have broken up. But the guy will still find me one day, and abuse me all over again, just because I have another boyfriend. An abusive boyfriend that I don't love anymore. Sure Joey isnt abusive but he could become abusive. Why do you think I dated all the others? I dated them because they weren't abusive in the beginning, I would think that I would finally be happy with someone. But that all changed after one punch. They become abusive to me after that. Joey would live a happy life without me if I left right? He would find a girl who's not broken. He would find a new girl and marry her, bend down on one knee and propose and that girl wouldn't be me. Or would it? Who knows right? No one can tell the future, well except Luke. Maybe I should ask him. I'll do it tomorrow when he isn't drunk.

"Sex, Sex, Sex." Is what I hear them yell as I close my eyes and fall asleep. Alone.