Listlessness

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You know that feeling you get when you aren't sure whether you'll implode or explode, but you know that one or the other is bound to happen any second? When it feels like two forces are pushing you to your limit? Like the air around you is swallowing you, trying to suffocate you and smother you, while the beating of your heart releases constant blasts of cold, sheer force that is trying to tear you apart from the inside? When you lay at night, with nothing but your sick, morbid mind to keep you company?

You sit there, and you shake, and you quiver with fear and anguish that no remedy can cure. You pull the pillow over your head just to black out the darkness. You dig your nails into your skin just to numb the pain. You cover your mouth to choke the suffocation. You cover your ears to become deaf to the silence. Then all at once, the emotions hit you at full force.

First fear. Just the memory of your past, and of the trepidation it brings. The memories feel as bright as day, and every second feels like your last. The constant fear you faced as a child, afraid of being hit, or bullied, or touched. The fear is endless, and even though no specific event comes to mind, the feeling from your past just lingers there, unwilling or unable to end the haunting and the pain.

"Why won't it leave? Why won't it just fucking leave! I'm not scared anymore! You can't hurt me anymore!" You silently scream into your pillow over and over until the back of your throat is sore, and breathing becomes so difficult that you constantly forget to breath. You punch your pillow, pull your hair, bite your lip, anything to release the hatred and anger that dwells inside of you. The immediate outburst of frustration and rage quickly breaks into intense sobs.

"Why won't it stop? How do I stop this?" You silently cry out. You pray to God asking for help, and cry even further since you know he wont. If he planned on ever helping you, he would have done it by now. Tears stream down your face as you convulse. Your body is no longer controlled by your mind, and you can't even enforce your own thoughts. All hopes and dreams immediately crumble, and you are left with nothing but sorrow.

Your cries slowly ebb into silence. Your blanket is tangled around you, and you don't have strength to reposition yourself. All emotion is drained, all feeling is numbed. All pain subdued, and all thoughts forgotten.

"Where am I?" You ask yourself. "Who am I?" You ask, not expecting an answer. "Why am I here?" Calmly reassuring your hopelessness, you continue softly. "Why am I alive?" The sudden thought turns your muscles into lead, and all attempts at movement are futile.

You close your eyes, and imagine yourself standing in an empty dark room, with a considerably large television turned on a foot in front of you. The images flicker past, scenes of happiness from your past. Your best friend talking with you on the playground. You swinging with your favourite sibling. Your mother singing with you, and you both laughing after she starts tickling you at the end of the song. The scenes play again, although they are all altered. Your best friend is screaming at you, and leaves you crying in the middle of the road. Your sibling is now distant, and can't even look at you anymore. You mother is singing to herself, but when the song ends, the television flickers off.

You stand there, staring at the dark, empty screen. The room is nearly void of light and desolate of sound. You start to question whether any of the images you just witnessed ever really happened. All you can do is stare at the black screen in front of you. You can see your reflection in the glass, although you don't know where the light is coming from. It hardly matters anyway.

The shadow like reflection of you slowly morphs into a monster. Looking into the twisted version of yourself, you finally see what you truly are, a monster.

You can hardly remain on your feet. All thoughts suddenly evaporate, and all feeling is gone. You slowly lean forward, unable to hold yourself up, and fall.

You fall face first down an endless cavity. All memories of your former self are ripped away, and all ideas of a future demolished. You slowly realize that you will never stop falling. It dawns on you that you are now empty of all life.

You want to describe this final feeling in your chest. This force, bursting from your sternum. It yearns to break free from your iron rib cage. Your heart tries to pull itself from your body. The air around you swallows you whole. It suffocates you, smothers you, envelopes you in death. That feeling of implosion and explosion simultaneously. Like a black hole swallowing a thousand suns. That final feeling before you pull the trigger.

Listlessness.

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