Poetry

Secrets I Keep From Myself

I sometimes wish I could reach into my head and throw out the feeling.
Mixture of love and pain.
These things shape us till this very day.
I was only 16 when I tried to end these days.
Naive in a way but there was too many days I sat in my grave.
How do I ignore the bleeding when my hands are already stained?
I felt small in my brain, arguing with suicide I became its slave.
They wouldn't stop screaming at me.
Alone in a quiet room I couldn't bare the noise.
Years passing by me, I suddenly woke up.
I fell into the trap.
You'll never find yourself in the arms of others but we search because we don't understand how we could find such a feeling.
I looked into his eyes, I swore I never felt more at home.
Beautiful feeling but I could already feel you shattering the remains of my heart.
Wasn't love but hate being poured down my throat
I picked up every single piece of myself and didn't recognize a single one.
Who knew humans could see such hate and still have courage to turn around and grab the devils hand.
Forgiving you when you weren't even sorry.
Throwing dirt at my name, you truly betrayed me.
You looked so happy to see me with drugs in your vains and I accepted that horrible pain.
Nobody wants to admit that they are wrong.
They tiptoe around truth for pride and we are the ones who serve the consequences.
You sit on your pedestal and I should have ripped you off it.
I was either too much woman for you or not enough.
I couldn't keep track because I was always doing something wrong.
Ugly and isolated that's what you preferred, I was terrified to leave my room.
Nightmares in my head, I still wonder how I am alive.
These things remain and maybe I'm crazy but I still got love for these people who made me question everything.
For both was toxic but my first love is still a question I have never surpassed.
This is my life sentence and 3 years later I still love you just the same.
Write it in blood for these things will never be the same.