SUFFERING // Zayn Malik AU

XII. Memories

I spoke the truth for once. Zayn entered my soul like it was the easiest thing to do, he made me laugh, it was weird the first time. It felt like I was doing something extremely wrong against the law. But it gave me even more adrenalin. Loving Zayn was like the seasons. The moments my stomach hurt from the laughing he caused me was summer. The cosy days pressed against each other with lots of blankets while watching movies was autumn. Spring were the days we went out to the beach with scarfs and sometimes even raincoats, we would always run. Whatever we did on the beach, I always ran. Probably because I missed it so incredibly much. The days I crashed into his embrace because of my bewildered thoughts deceived me once again, was definitely winter. 

I loved him, and he loved me. My time with him was non-stop and still, I couldn’t get enough from the moments we shared. Even the sad moments, when his chest was wet from all the sorrowful tears that escaped my eyes, were moments I didn’t want to end. People always think crying is something bad, but I feel wonderfully relieved after all the crying. Besides, I’m not alone. Whenever there’s something burning in my eyes, Zayn places me on his lap and doesn’t say a word. He kisses my shoulder and traces large circles on my back until it’s over. And it works. He doesn’t ask me what was wrong, he doesn’t talk about it later in bed. He just avoids the conversation, because he knows I don’t want to talk about it. 

I still feel lost and  betrayed by myself. But it doesn’t take away my relief of having chosen for my heart instead of the other parts of my body. 

“What’s on your mind?” His head gently moved to his right side. He eyed my face up and down for over two minutes, until I started laughing. “Why are you laughing?” He pouted before joining my laughter.

“You” 

“Is the answer on which question?” His lips formed a smirk as he waited for my answer. 

“Both actually.” He looked down to his food and finished chewing. “I actually feel bad for Harley. It feels like he doesn’t want to sit with us anymore. Do we make him uncomfortable?”

“Maybe he’s jealous. Because he doesn’t have this perfect girl staring at him” I snorted out a laugh and slapped his arm. “What?” He grinned again and kept looking at me until I fixated my gaze on my empty plate instead of him.

“I’m serious, Zayn.”

“So am I” It remained silent for a long amount of minutes. I felt his eyes on me, even when I stood up and put our plates is the dishwasher. “You up to grocery shopping?” 

“What?” My heart started pounding. I haven’t seen other people for months. Not face to face, besides Zayn and Harley. Also, one time when Harley took a girl home, but it didn’t end well and I only saw her rushing out with tears in her eyes. “Yes!” I almost yelled before he’d change his mind. 

“C’mon then” he stood up and his arms found my waist in matter of seconds. “I’m gonna brush my teeth and then we can leave” He whispered in my ear, pressed a gentle kiss on my temple and let me go. I followed him to the bathroom to brush my teeth as well, but couldn’t stop smiling. I don’t know why I got so excited, but I was. 

“Harley, we’re going out!” Zayn called, stood still for his door and waited for an answer.

“You mean the beach?” His voice was muffled and raspy, almost like he just woke up.

“No, grocery shopping.” 

“Alexis is coming with you?” His voice raised, it was hilarious.

“Yea.”

“Don’t you think it’s a little dangerous?”

“C’mon Harley, she’s been inside for too long now. We’re at least 30 hours from her home. Nobody’s gonna find her here.” Harley didn’t answer, Zayn waited for a few minutes but walked away after he was sure Harley wouldn’t answer anymore.

His hands protectively found mine from the moment we left the house. He waited until I was in the black Range Rover, before he stepped in the driver’s seat. 

“I hate this car” I blurted out. oblivious to the fact that it actually saved my life. “the seats were like little thumbnails to my cuts back then” 

“I’m sorry, love. I really am.” 

“I know you are.” His hand rested on my knee and I couldn’t help to worry about the wrinkle on his forehead. “Zayn” His name fell from my mouth as a wimper. He looked at me and I saw tears forming in his eyes. It had been months ago since I saw him so vulnerable. It killed me. “Zayn.” I said again with a lump in my throat. He looked quickly away, but I saw it. “I’m sorry to bring it up” I whispered just when a tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped it away before I could say something else. 

“We’re here.” His voice more fragile than ever. I stepped out and blocked his way. 

“Zayn, look at me” His eyes found mine doubtfully. “I love you” I kissed his lips softly, what caused him to flinch softly. “I’m sorry okay” He nodded carefully, taking my hand and entering the large supermarket. I couldn’t help myself to roam my eyes to every passenger. I wished a few of them ‘good morning’ and Zayn kept laughing at me. 

“You’re so adorable” 

“Excuse me, what would you do if you’d been kept prisoner for over a half year.” 

“Sorry, love. It’s just adorable how happy you seem to be to see some people.” He spinned me around so I was pressed against his torso and he was looking down at me. “I really thought you only loved to see me.” I pushed him away and laughed even harder.

“Don’t be ridiculous. You know I only love you.” I twirled around and ran into a guy around my age. 

“Good morning” I said with a large smile. His eyes lingered on my face, a little too long to be comfortable. 

“Back off bro” Zayn rushed to my side.

“He didn’t do anything, Zayn. Chill.” The guy started smiling creepily when I said this special sentence. 

“Come, Alexis” He took my hand and rushed to the cashier. I heard the guy laugh out loud when Zayn spoke and chills ran over my spine. “What did you tell him?” His eyes dark, almost black, hand on my shoulder and chest raising and falling rapidly. 

“I just said ‘good morning’! Don’t be mad” I yelled back. He closed his eyes and pulled on the roots of his hair. 

“Fuck!” everyone looked at us. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m not.” Everyone was still looking and the cashier kept repeating the amount of money we owed her. “Give us a second!” he yelled to her and I almost feared him. 

“Stop yelling!” I asked again. My heart felt like a hysterical drummer was doing his thing on it. He pulled me against his chest, kissed my hair and kept whispering ‘sorry’ until he was calmed down. He let me go, took my hand, paid and we both walked out. 

I’ve never seen him so scared. Not ever.

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A/N you would make my day if you voted or commented your thoughts! Love you all ! 

-Moira