SUFFERING // Zayn Malik AU

II. Inside of me

Today’s occupation consisted of trailing my fingers over the sandpaper-like ground, until my harsh tracking left behind lines of blood. I hadn’t heard anything today, not Jade or any one of her followers, not the sound of nibbling rats, not even the wind. The only evidence of me not being deaf, were the occasional blood coughing I was ‘lucky’ to witness. I placed my blood covered , throbbing fingers against my cheek and closed my eyes to enjoy the warmth I had been feeling so little lately.

‘You’re going to kill yourself, if you bleed out, just saying.’

‘As if she doesn’t know that’

‘We’re trying to kill ourselves, you dumbass’

I unwillingly shivered at the word ‘we’. It had been such a long time since I had been part of something, and it felt great to be part of a ‘we’.  Addicting actually, if you have nothing.  I waited several minutes hoping the voices would come back, but they didn’t. It remained silent in my head.

 I softly started humming the tune of a song I used to adore, but forgot the lyrics of. I didn’t stop when I heard footsteps approaching me, instead I pretended I didn’t even hear them.

“Alexis?” The familiar voice of the shy girl was scared. Terrified even.

“Brooke?” My lips formed a grimace and I looked at her with big eyes.  I saw that she wanted to get away from here as soon as possible, but something was stopping her.

“Do you remember summer ’09?” The look in her eyes became blurry, like she was reliving the entire summer all over again. A sweet smile was lingering on her plump, red lips. The memories that caused this certain look on her face were like little daggers stabbing my shattered heart over and over again. I immediately stopped humming and let my hands fall into my lap as if I was defeated.

“Sixteen baby!” I threw my arms in the air as I kept saying this sentence over and over again. Finally Sixteen.

“Happy Birthday, girl!” Brooke  threw her arms around my neck for the twentieth time today.

“Do you think Aaron will finally take some interest in me?” I whispered hopefully, and looked at the guy behind the wheel. Seriously, nothing is hotter than a guy driving. Brooke nodded as Jade rolled her eyes, smirking like crazy.

“Of course he likes you. Everyone can see that.” Jade laughed and continued reading in her book.

“Who likes who?” Aaron smiled while looking through the rear mirror, locking his eyes on mine.

“We’re just discussing a TV show” I waited until he fixed his eyes on the road again to flick Jade off.

“Hey Aaron, pull over at the beach to celebrate this girls’ birthday” Brooke pointed at me. I wasn’t only extremely excited to celebrate my birthday on the beach, in the middle of this awesome road trip, but also because I could  finally get out of this cramped car. Seriously this car was way too small for five teenagers.

“Best summer ever” I looked at her as I whispered this small sentence, more to myself than to her.

“What happened to those times?” Her loud sigh echoes several times through the cold, empty building. I didn’t answer, because she was the reason behind those dying memories.  I picked my remaining  fingernails and waited. Waited for her to disappear. I didn’t want her here, she was letting me feel emotion, and I was finally done fighting.

“Do you have any feelings yet?” I was shocked those whispers came from my damaged lips. Tears welled up in her eyes as she fluttered her eyelids a few times before nodding.  “Please, let me die then.” I begged so softly, it was almost inaudible. My body was numb when I tried to balance myself on my scratched knees and looked into the eyes of the person who brought my feelings back. She shook her head and kept repeating ‘I’m sorry’. Tears were streaming down her rosy cheeks now, she stood up and whispered a last ‘I’m really sorry, Alexis’ before walking away without granting me one last glance.