you & me

3.

saudade, noun : a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia

i try to escape these four walls but there are stains of you everywhere.

last week i almost called you, almost.
but i didn't, i couldn't and my hands were shaking either ways.

i play your favourite song a lot, i don't even like it.

last night i kissed a boy. he didn't taste like you. he tasted like nicotine. you tasted like love. my friend said he looks a lot like you.

i almost texted you at 3:45am few days back. i was a little drunk. my heart was aching. oh god please come back.

what the fuck is this sadness? it doesn't feel like anything i know but it's the most familiar thing i have ever experienced. i'm thinking about you and i miss you, i miss the way you used to hold me. i'm sorry.

i keep watching the old videos of us. it's dark, we are in your car, you're singing, i'm smiling. you were so happy, i was happy too. i wish i could make us happy again. i wish.

i met your mom today, she's really sad. her eyes were cloudy and hands were shaking. she misses you a lot. please come back.

i dreamt about you few days ago. i swear to god i could feel you holding my hands. i woke up crying, i would trade anything in the world just to see your face.

i keep playing your voice recording. your voice is my favourite song.

it will be five months tomorrow since you've been gone. i love you with all my heart. i will always love you.

-for a dead boy that i loved.